Twice this week I found myself looking forward to working out this past week. what is WRONG with me??
The thing that used to make me cringe when I heard other people say it and ugh.... *gag* at the thought of looking forward to sweating???..... I'm doing it. I'm not giddy over it. I still don't want to do it most of the time. But I put on my shoes and go anyways. And I'm always glad I did. While I am on my walk/run I push myself. Not my normal "well at least I'm doing something... how much longer do I have now?" attitude..... I found myself asking "Why are you holding back? No one is watching. Quit debating and GOOOOO!"
I'm amazed at what I am (slowly) learning that I am capable of. Really. Right now, the only thing holding me back. The only thing standing in my way... is myself. That stupid little voice in my head saying "Girrrrrrrrl, *Z snap, snap, snap snap* please. you're still fat and slow and we don't run, remember? Now lets quit this nonsense and go get a cupcake." <---- SHE will always be a part of me. I don't think that self doubt will ever disappear. But while I'm on this journey of learning to use the body God has still kept alive all these rough years, suddenly... she isn't talking quite as loud as she used to.
"Don't let other people tell you who you are.... show them."
I'm including myself in the "them" part of that quote. Its time to show myself who I really am and see what I/Christ can do.... And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
I wanted to re-visit the reason I actually keep a blog on my struggles and triumphs in weight loss. Its not because I think someone actually really cares what I do every day or you actually care how much I weigh or what I'm eating. I know my closest friends and family love me no matter what.
I'm in a good place mentally right now. That may change by next week, but right now I'm going to roll with it.
I write this blog to keep myself accountable. This post is really what started my mindset on accountability. "Dieting Naked" means that instead of unspoken promises to yourself to be "good" tomorrow and then eat a bowl of ice cream right before bed, you announce your intentions. You unveil yourself, diet in plain sight without shame.
I'm now accountable to you. You know my intentions. You will know the deepest desires of my heart and you have my compete permission to slap me on the wrist if you see me behaving otherwise. Thats why I pour my heart out in these corners of the internet. No more secret deals with myself that I break when the first hard day comes up. No more promises in the dark that I forsake in the daylight when confronted with an Oreo package. No more.Because I can't fathom doing this on my own. The struggle is so... so real. "diet in plain sight without shame". NONE, peoples. I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that I struggle. Like, fall off the wagon with your face flat in the mud with your shoelace caught on the wheel so you get drug for a while and can't get up, kind of struggle. And when I fall (which I have countless times) ... I know admitting it and sharing my story is ok. I'm not perfect.
This was today's fitbit readings... see all that green?? Not a discouraging day, here! I met each and every one of my goals. That doesn't happen every day, but I have to pat myself on the back when it does happen. I did have to go take a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood this evening to get it done... but *newsflash* I kind of really actually enjoyed it.... go figure. I did some calculations in my head tonight of how much weight I've actually lost from my heaviest. Give or take because I don't remember what my highest weight recorded was. It was somewhere around 400 pounds. So from 400 pounds, I've lost 133 pounds. That is a % loss of 33.75%. (holy cow!)
I see numbers like that and while I still have a long ways to go.... I don't feel quite so defeated anymore.... in fact, I feel quite the opposite.
I haven't done any photo comparisons in a while... So lets keep this good juice flowing!
These pictures were from 2007. Just over 2 years after I had surgery for a pituitary tumor that caused Cushing's Disease and all but destroyed my body. I might have already lost a little weight by this point due to wedding craziness and dreams, but not very much. Fast forward.....
And then there is the "today" photos... still not done with weight loss. not quite an "after"... but progress is being made, right? * .....side note: the humidity is killing my hair today :(
*For my hubby, who I'm not so sure liked being blurred out of our wedding photo... sorry. You know I love you oh-so-much! You are my rock and my solid supporter through everything I've been through health wise and otherwise. I couldn't make it without you. Thank you for everything.
You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??
I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?
With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.
I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.
....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....
I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.
For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.
I really can't believe that in t minus 1 day I'm.going.to.be.30.. woah. And yet... at the same time.... eh. really 30 is just one more year that I am blessed to be loved by my family, and have the opportunity every single day to do the things I love.
If you grab my kindle from me at any random moment, you'll probably find on it some silly mind boggling game that I like to play, pinterest and most likely some book that I'm in the middle of reading that has something to do with improving myself in some way shape or form. It might be about motherhood and child psychology. It might be about weight loss. It might be diet related.... It might be about organizing, design etc etc.... I seriously can't get enough information in my brain about being myself, but just a little bit better. I have my moments where I feel on top of the world and like I really have it all together... and then I start to cry because it falls apart. (a perfectionist's downfall)
I know full well that I will never reach perfection and I know that I am by no means a failure either. But I'm also never ok with just settling in the thought that who I am at this moment in time is the best that I will be.
5 years ago, I decided that I was going to be at my goal weight by the time I hit my 30th birthday if it (even if it killed me!)... hmph. Unless I figure out a way to lose 60 pounds by Thursday... that ain't happening. Over the last year I've had to come to terms with that. Its really hard. Its been 8.5 years since my diagnosis and surgery to remove the pituitary tumor. I really thought that by now I would be 'cured'. It kind of sucks that my health isn't as much on board as my brain is about letting go of the pounds. One thing is for certain though, my 30s will be SO much healthier than my 20s. THAT is my new goal.
I've always been a perfectionist and the crazy OCD habit of a perfectionist is to set boundaries and goals for yourself... then try to attain them, but surpass them. I compete with myself (like a crazy person... wait... it isn't, just me that does this, is it?).
Speaking of goals:
Did y'all see the Oscars? For me, there were a lot of "who's he?... oh." and "She is famous?... oh, ok." Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they give awards for the behind the scenes people too. A LOT of work goes into making all those pretty faces look good on film. Good for all you people I did not recognize. Y'all looked lovely.
My personal favorite moment was when Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor award. I mean, yes, he is a wonderful actor and I think most every girl on this planet will agree that the good Lord was having Himself a good day when He made Matthew, am I riiiiiight? (yes, I'm on a first name basis). Did you hear the speech he gave? wow. I mean, wow. Inspiring to say the least. Not only did he give thanks to his pretty wife and his momma, he gave thanks to God for everything he has accomplished in life. I LOVE him even more now.
Here is the link if you're interested and feel like being inspired :) (skip to 0:40 seconds to get right to the point. People clap a lot) If you missed it, watch it. watch it now. I'll put the video here below so you don't even have to go search youtube for it. Seriously, Its less than 3 minutes. Watch it.
At 1:17 Matthew says the 3 things he needs every day. "someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase"
At 2:20 He says while growing up his momma demanded that he respect himself and in turn that lead to being better able to respect others. (Something I think there is way too little of in this world)
At 2:49 He begins to explain who his hero is. His hero is himself ten years from now. Before you scoff and think he is being ridiculously arrogant, think about it. If you are always striving to be the best version of yourself, you will always grow. Always change. Always increase.
THAT is who I want to be. (No, not Matthew McConaughey. I don't have the time to fix his hair everyday) I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.
While I know perfection isn't possible in this world, and getting even somewhat close is something you have to fight hard for... I say that it is worth the fight.
*Here is to turning 30 on thursday and being totally happy about it :) .... cheers*
Alright! Time for me to confess.... when I quit my whole30, I told myself "I'll take a few days off and then jump right back on! Yeah!".... people, I'm still trotting along side the Waggon, but I ain't on it yet. :/ ...ugh. it's hard. Things keep coming up and y'all, the "bad foods" are soooooo good! I thought I could get my few cravings out in a few days, but I think what I'm learning is that life is one big craving. Coffee with a friend, dinner out because I didn't feel like grocery shopping, cupcakes, cookies etc. (At least for me anyways)
My brain wants to get back on the whole30 eating... every time I think about whole30, (at least 4 times a day) my brain says "not whole30, whole60" (like I'm some programmed robot or something... seriously, does anyone else have a ocd/over achiever brain like this? I think people take medication for stuff like this :( ) so I've been thinking..... 30 25 days gave me good success. 60 days would be even better...more commitment, more forced creativity when it comes to recipes and meal plans, but it should be worth it, right? The hardest part is getting my feet on the floor and declaring day 1!
If you're tired of hearing me talk about whole 30... I kind of am too, to be honest. If I'm every with you and I start going all food police or turn into one of those people who (vegans come to mind, though not all are like this. I know some pretty cool ones) not only tell you that they are on a special diet, but why they are on this special plan, how they manage it and why YOU should do it too. They'll even give you books to read our invite you over to prove their lettuce tofu "burger" is the best....and you're just left there trying not to be rude, but really wanting to finish your taco........... just stop me if you don't want to hear it and want to enjoy your food in peace. I don't want to be one of those crazies and not realize it. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm really learning new things and I see progress in ways I didn't expect.(I've done weight loss stuff for years y'all... tried everything) I'm absorbing, experimenting and analyzing and it is a bit of an obsession for me.
60 days will be good and give me a jump before summer. One more confession... I've always wanted a nose ring. But I've never been truly confident to get one. I guess it's my artsy side? No matter what diet/weight loss plan I started in my life time, if I got down to 250, my "reward" was to finally get it done... of course, I never planned it would take me this long to get even close to it. I will be turning 30 next month. I have 2 kids and married... I still really like the tiny stud, but I'm kind of a chicken lol am I too old now?
So, This was going to be my Whole30 wrap up post.... only.... its more like Whole25 :/ I will come right out and admit that I did NOT make the whole 30 days.
Last Friday, I had a ton of things going on, and I was upset. I was tired and I had to sit through a pretty lame birthday party for one of my kid's friends and ...yeah. It all ended while I was in the car on the way home from the party and realized that a fun size snickers (yes, I stole it from my kids party bags) was halfway down my throat and gone. It was pretty anticlimactic. I actually didn't get upset or anything.... just kind of a.... 'well, darn' feeling more than anything else. I think I didn't really get upset because I've had so much (and I mean so much!) success with this way of eating over the past few weeks that I had already made up my mind to finish my whole30 (oops) and then take a week or so off and do another 30.... or whatever.
But lets go back to my Whole30 25. I'm really excited to be able to share what I've learned. First off, before I eliminated sugar from my diet, I could have told you that I wasn't really that addicted to sugar. huh, boy did I eat those words. By day 5, I was such a mad, frustrated, sad... crazy person. Sugar withdrwals are no fun. When I had a dream about bread loaves and donuts chasing me down the street.... I knew I had it pretty bad. But with the help of my mom cheering me on and listening to me weep over how much I thought I wasn't addicted to food, I pushed through and came out of the dark cloud around day 8.
It still really took a while before I discovered the amazing feeling I kept hearing people talk about. My energy picked up around day 14-15 and kept getting better from there. I felt like I was in a really good mood... I'm in a pretty good mood most of the time really, but my mind felt clear and alert. It was great.
I seriously don't regret any of my whole30 experience. Its one of the most eye opening experiences I've ever had in my life. I don't have any food cravings anymore. (Don't take this the wrong way, there is still a chubby little kid inside me that wants to sit around and eat cupcakes all day... I don't think she will never leave) I don't crave the bad stuff. I'm ok with having a whole plate of Brussels sprouts for dinner (and did so on multiple occasions) I found new foods that I love! and new recipes that are now my list of favorites.
The one thing that I think made the biggest impression on me is that I found FREEDOM..... freedom from food. freedom from cravings. Freedom to 'eat to live' and not 'live to eat' anymore. I figured out that I can eat healthy and be happy about it (not, just eat your lettuce and be sad all the time).
Ok so blah blah blah... these are great life lessons and all, but what about the numbers?? Come on, lets get to the good stuff, right? ... I am a little ashamed to say that I started this journey with the scale on a number I was really not happy about. Shoot, I didn't even want to tell you, but..... 284 pounds. YUCK.... However, I finished my 25 days with my lowest weight since before I can remember..... 266 pounds!! (for the non mathematical people...) That is 18 pounds!!!! Say what what?? Can you feel my giant successful smile through these words I'm writing right now.
Yes, I'm so thrilled to be so much healthier than I was a few weeks ago and not just in weight loss numbers. My blood sugars are now in such good shape that I quit taking my insulin and am now just on oral meds (By the way, I'm ridiculously careful with my numbers and measuring and testing and tracking. I don't recommend going off your insulin or any medication, without first consulting your doctor) Also, my blood pressure has dropped. I'm hoping to back off of a little on that medication soon too. So...... in conclusion, good things all around and I am more than happy that I decided to embark on this (seemingly ridiculous) whole30 journey!!
So this weekend has been my 'off' time. I've enjoyed a few little treats. I made delicious peanut butter cookies today. They were glorious... I've enjoyed like 10 of them today :/ Holy cow, peanut butter perfection. really..... but life just needs cookies sometimes. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm getting back in the whole30 lifestyle again. I had tremendous results and I'm not ready to quit yet. :)
This post is a bit off my normal topic... Yet still in line with the overall idea of weight loss in general.... huh? .....Ok let me put it this way, I don't want to talk about my weight loss stuff today. I'd like to talk about yours.
I've had many people ask me over the years for advice on health or what diet was easy to follow etc. I am not a professional. I don't have a degree in health or anything. I can only give you my opinion, backed by the only thing I have to give... experience. Just being generally healthy is a good goal to have. At this point in my life... my dreams of being a super strong body builder are about as achievable as me walking on the moon. But I'm doing what I can to be the best I can be. (By the way, I don't aspire to be a body builder... I'd just like to not be classified with a dangerous BMI)
Your intentions in the beginning are always amazing. You're strong and you're determined. You're a planner and have it all in your head what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, workout schedules, exercises etc. This is going to be great! .... Until you encounter that first bit of temptation too wonderful to say no to. Maybe you had a bad day? Maybe you're exhausted and don't feel like cooking. Whatever the reason may be, you're human. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were in the beginning, you need to realize that somewhere down the line.... you're just going to want to eat the darn cupcake! And even one more carrot stick is just going to make you cry....
So, what now? After you've devoured the cupcake (or 3?) the guilt may start to settle in and beat you up about not staying on the straight and narrow diet path. Place your focus not on the "why did I fail?" but on "whats done is done, now what?" If you choose the answer to that question well, you will be one step closer to succeeding. You will be wiser and stronger and certainly one step closer than all the other people who usually give up at this point. That is quite possibly the hardest lesson in dieting: learning to accept that you are human.
Its no lie that I've bounced around like a wild a crazy super ball
from diet to diet for most of my life. And I still have about 50 pounds
(give or take) to lose. I've lost a little over 100 so far though and I'm beyond happy with that. I've tried just about everything healthy and
sometimes unhealthy. I'm in a really good place right now with the
Whole30 plan. (read here if you missed that post) I'm not going to lie.... I'm a little crazy sometimes, but
I know in my head and in my heart THIS is a good thing for me right
now. I know Tthat my body is better than it was 15 days ago when I
started this. to me, THAT is motivation to finish it out strong and
continue with this.
If you see me in the next few weeks, I apologize in advance if I bore you with food facts or ingredients or explaining to you why we don't drink cows milk in this house. My brain is in a really focused state of soaking up knowledge and really living in this 'whole30' nutrition mindset. Just be prepared. If you ask me, you may hear more than you planned on listening to :)
Also, I decided not to weigh myself (at all) from day 10-20. Big leap of faith for me... seeing those numbers go down is a really big motivating factor for me. I will continue to do what feels right for my body. If you'd like to learn more about Whole30, click here. It will direct you to their website where they offer all you need to know for free. :)
I didn't really mention this whole30 business to anyone other than family in the last week. I didn't feel like making it public until I figured things out a little. (Excuse me for breaking my "dieting naked" rule.) If you follow me on instagram (sparkle0811) you may have figured it out by now.
Basically, super duper strict to the max on food choices for 30 days. (Read more about it at WWW.whole.com) no wheat, no soy, no dairy, and no sugar... also no legumes, but that doesn't really affect my daily habits. Just eat veggies, fruits and meats.
This week has been.... how can I put it? Strange?.... I've gone from pumped and excited to ready to curl up in a ball and sob to myself... then to ready to kill everything, angry, sad, and then theres today where... eh. Its whatever. Kind of no opinions on anything really. I used to think I ate fairly healthy. I'm not going to lie... I know it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't terrible. This week has proven many things to me. I was totally, absolutely without a doubt hard addicted to sugar. And I'm a diabetic. That's not good.
I feel OK about it now. If you were to offer me a cupcake or a bowl of ice cream I could say no thank you and be perfectly fine. I'm not sure if that's the sugar addiction gone from my body or the fact that most of the last week has been really tough and I can't let that suffering be for nothing lol
30 days. Its only 30 days.
I also weighed the other day. *gasp* I broke a big Whole30 rule. They say not to weigh because the focus is on health not weight loss... blah blah blah. I've lost some weight and that is a good motivator for me. I can tell things are moving in the right direction. I will do an update post in a few weeks. Until then.. I'm going to keep my weight loss numbers to myself... because I'm sneaky and I can! ;)
This post is long over due. Last post was a really messy point in this journey and I had to get it out, but I have been doing better since then. (thank you to my wonderful friends who have checked on me and supported me or even just listened to me whine a little to get it out!)
I'm pretty proud of myself for letting my obsession with the scale go. I've stepped on it... maybe 1 time in the last week? (instead of at least twice a day! eek!... I know. Christen sometimes rides the crazy OCD train) But...... guess what? No change in the numbers. none. So crazy obsessive number focused doesn't make the scale go down.... and careful with what I eat, but not making it part of my every thought and actually enjoying food.... doesn't seem to make a difference either. Interesting, right? But I feel SOOO much better being able to let that go.
I'm still working on the emotional side of getting used to not being as healthy as I would like my body to be. I was looking at my closet last week and trying to figure out something to wear for those weird 3 days that were actually "fall" weather and a bit too cool for summery shirts. My wardrobe is kind of pathetic, honestly. I have some nice clothes that I don't get to wear too often. I have todders, I'm a reasonable woman and just assume that by the end of the day, I'm going to be covered in some way with someone else's dirt. A lot of my clothes are pretty worn. But some of them are really worn and need to be tossed out. I realized that every season change, I go out and buy a few new tops or a sweater, but don't overdo it because 'this year I'll lose the weight and I won't even be in THESE clothes by next winter, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on new clothes'
...yup... repeat same phrase 6 months later and get a little sad because last summer I said I wasn't going to be in these same clothes again. Yet, there I was.
Its taken me (I don't know how many) years to realize this unhealthy pattern. Anyways, its another thing I'm nixing and focusing on the good things instead. I can't let my kids see this habit in me and think that its ok. I need to be there for them and set a good example. Mommy needs to love herself no matter what she looks like or thinks she needs to change.
....So on to a new topic, who else has discovered almond milk? I'm in love with it. seriously. My love for it will never die and I have been using it for about 3 years now. (Before almond milk, I was drinking soy milk, but then saw that some sources of soy can be questionable and started looking for other options. Yes, I like the almond milk better.)
Waaaaaay back when I was in middle school and definitely by high school, I can remember giving up cereal for breakfast because by the time I got to school, I'd have a stomach ache and just not feel good. I quit drinking it milk all together. I had no idea why it caused me stomach pain. Not 1 person ever mentioned lactose intolerance to me. ever. (shows you how times have changed, huh?)
I love how diverse we are as humans now where information is so readily available and heck.... people with food/diet specialties have their own isle in the grocery store. Its fabulous for those of us who need it! Almond milk even comes in chocolate now (HEB brand is fabulous, by the way!) If you're watching your weight, I'd go for the unsweetened version, but if you're not or you're looking for something to give your kids... the sweetened vanilla is always delicious. I buy the vanilla for my kids and the unsweetened 40calories/8oz version for myself. Try it, even if you are the slightest bit curious!
My new mantra I've been trying to remember is that sometimes all you can do is not think, not imagine, not wonder and not obsess..... just have faith. faith that everything will work out for the best. <---- This is really hard for the OCD challenged individual, but I'm working on it! One day at a time. :)
*SPOILER ALERT* This post is a bit of a downer... a bit hohum and not much fun. But it is where life is right now... and I want to be honest and just let it out.
To say I'm frustrated is a bit of an understatement. exhausted, let down, sad, and spent, just to name a few.... But I can't just throw my hands up and be done with it. Life doesn't work that way. Life gets up and moves on.
I had my follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday. I did a stress test (i.e. just short of hell, thank you very much) and I had a ultrasound done on my heart. He confirmed what he had thought before. (read my previous post, if you missed this) That my rapid heart beating spells were ... in medical terms.... sinus tachycardia. Basically, my heart beats too fast due to any number of reasons, but its not serious as long as its monitored and controlled with medication. It could go away in a few years. who knows... So its not great news, but its not bad either. I got a green light from him and go back in 3 months to followup again.
The part of the heart that is affected from sinus tachycardia is the upper region. It controls that 'fight or flight response'. Someone jumps out from behind a corner and yells "boo!" you jump back and your heart is racing.... thats the region that is going a little crazy with my heart. It responds to stress or stressful situations to keep your body working properly.
It was brought up in the doctor's visit allllll about my past with Cushing's disease: The prolonged symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the lingering effects 8 years later.... (still over weight). We all kind of made the connection.... Cushings is caused by an over production of cortisol hormone in the body. Cortisol is a stress hormone. The sinus tachycardia (being the area that responds to stress) could (but also maybe not) be a result of the damage the cushings disease did to my body. I'm so sorry if I just totally confused everyone with that link train............ stay with me here. Body is used to excess cortisol (stress hormone) struggles to work properly without it. <--- thats a very lame way of explaining it, but you get the point?
You know what my brain heard through all that? ... YOU'RE STILL NOT CURED. :( You're still dealing with the pieces of a broken body and oh yeah... guess what? your dream of ever being 'healthy' just got on a bus and went a little bit further away down your life path! Best of luck catching up!
I'm usually a pretty positive person. Glass half full and always a rainbow after the rain, kind of talk... I've come so far. I mean, I'm not near the same person I was so 8 years ago when I was diagnosed. I don't even look the same..... (still!) Love the pink hair I had back then..... and isn't my honey so cute? ;)
I have improved in every area of the areas of my body that the disease destroyed... my muscles, my stamina, my mind is clear, I've lost over 100 pounds etc etc.... I just can't shake the rest of the weight and health issues, the high blood pressure and the diabetes that resulted from the weight gain.
I've always felt like after all this time had passed that I was better and while I had a harder time losing with than most other people, it was all under my control and I just had to buckle down and just do it....
If you had told me 8 years ago when I was going through the surgery and everything that was prior and would follow that I'd still be dealing with it all these years later.... I'd have been so heart broken, kind of like I feel now. I literally thought by this point in my life I'd have conquered it by now. "I'll lose the weight by the time I'm 30! It'll be a brand new decade of my life filled with skinny clothes and a healthy body, better than what I had in my 20s!" It was my biggest achievable goal set and I've had my eye on it for years. Hope. So much determination and hope... While I'm tons tons better than I was, it is really been hard having to adjust my thinking that maybe I won't reach that goal (I have less than 5 months) and I'm just going to have to quit moping around and being mad about it and accept that its ok. :( no matter how frustrating it is... Its giving up a dream that I have had for so long, and really learning that I never really had control over it in the first place :(
*Told you this was kind of a downer*
My body isn't perfect, its not working the way it should. It may never work the way it should. I was sick for so long before I was diagnosed... who knows what is possible. The formula for weight loss doesn't work on me. eat ___ calories - exercise ____ = weight loss. My fat stores work differently somehow. I don't know all the medical terminology or the scientific facts, but I do know I'm different and believing that I'm not different is only going to lead to more disappointment.
I do know that I can control what I eat. I still continue to eat healthy and exercise and darn-it... SOMETHING has got to give one day! ... right? It seems logical to me. I have to believe its true.
So... I'm going to just give myself a break and quit focusing calories and on weight loss for a while. I don't know how long. But its going to be for a while........ I can't keep subjecting myself to the feeling of failure day after day... week after week when I've realized now that I never really had any control over it in the first place.
I have all kinds of blog posts planned about how I live and eat healthy, plus tips and tricks to help stay on track... I'm pretty good at the motivation part of losing weight. My focus is going to be on keeping active and nourishing my
body with healthy vitamin enriched foods that will provide fuel for my body to focus
on healing itself.... and maybe someday... it will. <3
So, I was driving earlier today (drinking a yummy glass of juice!) and I counted up how many days I've been juicing... holy cow! Today is Day 5! WOOHOO! Its already been 5 days! I did the 5 days with minimal veering off the juicing path. Just the other day for 1 meal... then I got back on. I have had a few minor slipups, but I'm trying to listen to my body too. If I'm hungry now and I can't quench the hunger with juice, I've eaten a few fruits and veggies unjuiced too. I figure its better to eat a bit now of the good stuff rather than catch myself after a weak moment in the kitchen alone staring at an empty bowl of..... everything lol
I'm still looking to see what the scale says tomorrow morning after juicing for one more day before I call it final, but I've lost 5 pounds so far. 271 (my scale had gone up some since my lowest. boo.) But I'm back to losing!
I tried to get a good variety of fruits and veggies in my juices, try new things, keep an open mind... Y'all, I'm a failure at beets! :( Remember I said they came wrapped in bundles of 3? yeah, I made it through 2 whole beets and the 3rd one I just couldn't do. 1 poor beet, wasted. It has a funky after taste and it stains absolutely EVERYTHING it touches. After several days of trying new things and being open minded... I just am not down with the beet! (haha)
I mentioned in my last post about the water weight loss and seeing my ankle bones again.... still yay for skinny feet!
Another change I've noticed is my energy. I've felt really good this whole time. (minus the almost Sasquatch like hunger spells a few times)
Last night after putting the kids to bed I decided to deep clean and reorganize my kitchen. I worked like 2.5 hours... (its a big kitchen). Granite counter tops now sparkle... I organized drawers and cabinets to be more efficient. I've been wanting to do it for a long time but never could get the proper motivation. check check, consider it done! And I'm totally counting it as exercise because I was working up a sweat dancing while doing it.
Its a really weird feeling to explain, but my gut feels... good? Like, I feel... clean. light. hollow, but not in a hungry way. I've heard people talk about feeling "better" when they eat healthy. I used to eat relatively healthy before I juiced but not really consistently. I never noticed a different feeling in me before. Maybe I wasn't in the experimental mode like I am now and really trying to be receptive to whats I feel like my needs are (not wants. i.e. a cookie). I feel quicker, more energy.... its a good feeling. And I can now see why this feeling is addicting for some people.
My blood sugar levels have also been so great. Maybe thats partly to blame for the general 'good feeling' I've been having. Less ups and downs and steady numbers mean less mood swings and foggy feelings.
I don't miss meat... but I'm not a huge meat fan anyways, because of my TMJ issues. (thats a whole different story for a different day) So its kind unfair for me to say that I could turn my head and never look back on meat after juicing.
So... plus plus plus... all good things to say about this juicing experiment of mine. The only negative or downside that I can find is... going out and being with other people. "You're doing what?" that is usually followed by "why? I could never do that!" Its tough to explain... at least quickly... its kind of a long story. I've been very lucky to have the full support of my family and friends. But I understand restaurants are going to be a difficult hurdle.
Right now, I don't know that I have the willpower to go a full 60 days (though, I kind of would like to try it??), but I don't want to stop either. So my plan (if you can even call it that) is to keep going with this. Its definitely good for me and I feel like this is very limited and easy for me to control.... sooooo.... lets go another 10 days! We'll continue the experiment and see what happens! :)
So, in my last post.... (if you couldn't tell) I was way totally bummed after my doctor's visit on Monday. Like I was sobbing on the way home. I had such high hopes that my new doctor was going to be able to point her magic doctor pen and say, "Here! this is what you can do and you'll be fixed!" and then all would be good in the world.
Sounds a bit silly when I think about it now. I don't know. I'm trying my best not to throw a pity party because I have much to be thankful for, but I just didn't think I'd really run out of options so quickly. Its time to start taking things into my own hands and see if I can fix this on my own.
A while back I wrote a blog on a documentary I saw about Hungry for Change. I love my juicer. I don't use it every day but at least a 4 times a week right now. I sat down last night and I watched another documentary. Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead. Basically, guy has medical issues, maxed out on his meds.... decides to go on a crazy 60 day nothing but juice fast. He loses a crazy amount of weight and gets taken off of all his medications, gains extreme health and learns to continue to eat healthy afterwards. If you get the chance, watch it. (Its on netflix) It's amazing what the body can do when given the proper nutrition. I 'll put a youtube link at the bottom with a short trailer to his film.
(I can see some of you shaking your heads right now) .... Just Chill. I'm just thinking of trying it for 5 days. After those 5 days I'll see where I stand and make a plan from there. I'll either continue to 10 days or quit. And move on from there. What have I got to lose? I think it'll be a good amount of time to see if I'm able to tolerate it.
I want to share this with you...
TaDa! It's my groceries for the week! (at least I think it is... I may have miscalculated some? We shall see!) It can get expensive. I always buy a mix of organic and non organic produce, when I shop. For those that are curious, (and for my own knowledge) I totaled up my grocery bill on produce from thsi trip... $38.39. Not too terrible in my opinion. There is celery, oranges, carrots, cucumber, apples - green and braeburn, lemons, romaine, spinach/kale mix, blue berries and pineapple, ginger....
Aaaaand this.....
Y'all....... I bought beets. Apparently you can't just buy 1 beet. To move them off the shelf faster, they only sell them in bundles of 3? Never in my life have I been walking through the grocery store, passed the beets and went "mmmm lunch!". But while I was standing there second guessing my decision and if I wanted to possibly waste my money.... A quote popped into my head. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. Not sure who said it originally, AND I'm pretty sure he wasn't referring to any form of beets, but ... It was what I needed to hear so I bought the beets! Embracing the change! In with the new!
I didn't go full on juice today because we were having a BBQ lunch at work today. (I know its a sorry excuse, but I love BBQ!) I did have a mean green juice this morning and another juice this afternoon. By the way, Beets: not half bad. Terrible on their own, but when mixed with other juices... tolerable.
I was contemplating pushing my full time juice fast off till Saturday because I'm taking the kids to the movies tomorrow and I love popcorn. Then it hit me. As if God stuck a huge note on my forehead that simply said "nope." There isn't ever going to be a perfect time to start. Its now or never. So tomorrow it is! I'll be sipping on water!
Its not hard to drink juice. I like juice... the hard part is going to be willpower to not eat EVERYTHING else. I know I'm going to be doing a lot of praying and relying on God to give me the willpower to complete this.
Anyways, I can't totally tell if I'm super excited about this yet or not. Whats the worst that can happen right? It certainly can't be any worse than what I'm dealing with right now surviving on pills every day. Also, I have no objections to ending my fast early if I don't feel right.... Its just more or less an experiment to see what my body can do when given the right super foods. I probably won't post every day, but I'll be back to update on how things are going... :) Wish me luck!
Salad with chicken and grape tomatoes, a few pine nuts and spices. Doesn't that look delicious? :) Quite satisfying too. I have to confess though.... I need advice. I'm getting rather bored with my proteins. (totally not weight related but) I have bad TMJ issues and arthritis in my jaw. My jaw gets fatigued and sore when eating tougher foods. So, for the past several years, no gum, no steak :( or pork chops... chicken and ground turkey seem to be ok for now... but I'm almost to the point where I don't even want those anymore. Not because of the jaw pain but because I've lost my taste for them.
I could go without meat most of the time, but I struggle to find different food substitutions for protein at meal time. Eggs are good, but theres only so many eggs a person can take... soy, I'm not comfortable with the way some food companies try to pass off frankien-soy products off as the real thing. I still eat soy, I just don't depend on it as my main source of protein in a meal. I know I am sounding super difficult and stubborn to deal with. I'm kind of feeling burnt out, I guess.... and then I hate myself for feeling that way because I'm no where near where I want to be with my weight loss goals and its too early to get burnt out! Its a vicious cycle, I tell you!
I can't even tell you what it is I'm really looking for... just some more ideas on how to eat other proteins that I'm not totally sick of?? I'm diabetic, proteins to balance out carbs (even low glycemic carbs) is important.
I have been doing a protein shake every morning for breakfast. I enjoy it... And after almost 2 months of using the blender everyday, my kids are finally starting to not run around crazy scared for the 30 seconds it takes me to blend it together. (I won't lie... I know its bad, but I kind of get a kick out of most every time lol) and when I'm home it is a convenient meal at other times of the day but I don't feel like I want to depend on it all the time, you know?
Another reason for my funk tonight is a documentary I watched on netflix today while my son napped in my lap. Hungry for Change. You can see the first 20 minutes online or its free on instant watch if you have netflix. I'm warning you though.... Its worth watching, but I was pretty upset by the end of it.
I'm a designer. Its in my blood to make things appealing to the eye. My marketing side knows all the tricks to make (insert whatever product/person here) look like a better decision than its competition. And yet I can't believe how much I've been fooled into thinking the FDA had any good intentions at all. And how many people are fooled int thinking they're making the right decision when all they are doing is making the companies more money. The documentary is about the way our food has so drastically changed over the last century. The lab chemicals, the marketing trickery to make you buy certain brands and become addicted to them so you keep buying them. Its an offense equal to those of cigarette companies.............
In the back of my head I knew OF this, but had never seen it all compiled together in one place.
Sorry.......... I will quit my rant and let you decide for yourself if you want to know it all or not. I can tell you that as of right now... I'm a little puzzled. If you decide to watch it, or have seen it before... I'd love to know your opinion and thoughts on it.
I still know what is healthy and none of the facts have really changed.... It just astounds me how much of the grocery store is eliminated. I already only shopped about 20% of the store. Now I'm left with desiring even less than that? and hardly any idea what to eat.
I did my grocery shopping this afternoon (bad timing lol) and walked out of the store with basically an assortment of veggies (fresh and frozen) and some apples, and the kid's favorite organic chicken nuggets and juice. I have no idea what I'm cooking this week. Its probably going to be a weird week where I keep staring at my fridge with food in it and not knowing what to do with it. We'll see what happens.
Also in a bit of an impulse moment, I bought a juicer that was on sale from amazon. I'm hoping it will help get more nutrients in my diet. Anyone else juice? I'd just like to add it in to my already healthy diet... not use it for the sole source of nutrition.
I hope your week is going well. Here its hit or miss and I truly miss having my husband around all the time. His presence helps me quiet the constant racing thoughts in my head.
Ooh! speaking of.... look what I picked up from the grocery store today! (also impulse... though I love tea)
see that? "relaxes frazzled nerves" .... its might as well say "Christen's tea" on the front lol I love peppermint tea :)
have a good night! And please let me know if you have any input, ideas or comments... I appreciate every one of them greatly and love hearing I'm not alone in this fight to be a little less mommy...
