Don't tell people who you are. Show them.

Twice this week I found myself looking forward to working out this past week. what is WRONG with me??

The thing that used to make me cringe when I heard other people say it and ugh.... *gag* at the thought of looking forward to sweating???..... I'm doing it. I'm not giddy over it. I still don't want to do it most of the time. But I put on my shoes and go anyways. And I'm always glad I did. While I am on my walk/run I push myself. Not my normal "well at least I'm doing something... how much longer do I have now?" attitude..... I found myself asking "Why are you holding back? No one is watching. Quit debating and GOOOOO!"

I'm amazed at what I am (slowly) learning that I am capable of. Really. Right now, the only thing holding me back. The only thing standing in my way... is myself. That stupid little voice in my head saying "Girrrrrrrrl, *Z snap, snap, snap snap* please. you're still fat and slow and we don't run, remember? Now lets quit this nonsense and go get a cupcake." <---- SHE will always be a part of me. I don't think that self doubt will ever disappear. But while I'm on this journey of learning to use the body God has still kept alive all these rough years, suddenly... she isn't talking quite as loud as she used to. 

"Don't let other people tell you who you are.... show them."

I'm including myself in the "them" part of that quote. Its time to show myself who I really am and see what I/Christ can do.... And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Whole30!... Well Almost :/

So, This was going to be my Whole30 wrap up post.... only.... its more like Whole25 :/ I will come right out and admit that I did NOT make the whole 30 days.

Last Friday, I had a ton of things going on, and I was upset. I was tired and I had to sit through a pretty lame birthday party for one of my kid's friends and ...yeah. It all ended while I was in the car on the way home from the party and realized that a fun size snickers (yes, I stole it from my kids party bags) was halfway down my throat and gone. It was pretty anticlimactic. I actually didn't get upset or anything.... just kind of a.... 'well, darn' feeling more than anything else. I think I didn't really get upset because I've had so much (and I mean so much!) success with this way of eating over the past few weeks that I had already made up my mind to finish my whole30 (oops) and then take a week or so off and do another 30.... or whatever.

But lets go back to my Whole30 25. I'm really excited to be able to share what I've learned. First off, before I eliminated sugar from my diet, I could have told you that I wasn't really that addicted to sugar. huh, boy did I eat those words. By day 5, I was such a mad, frustrated, sad... crazy person. Sugar withdrwals are no fun. When I had a dream about bread loaves and donuts chasing me down the street.... I knew I had it pretty bad. But with the help of my mom cheering me on and listening to me weep over how much I thought I wasn't addicted to food, I pushed through and came out of the dark cloud around day 8. 

It still really took a while before I discovered the amazing feeling I kept hearing people talk about. My energy picked up around day 14-15 and kept getting better from there. I felt like I was in a really good mood... I'm in a pretty good mood most of the time really, but my mind felt clear and alert. It was great.

I seriously don't regret any of my whole30 experience. Its one of the most eye opening experiences I've ever had in my life. I don't have any food cravings anymore. (Don't take this the wrong way, there is still a chubby little kid inside me that wants to sit around and eat cupcakes all day... I don't think she will never leave) I don't crave the bad stuff. I'm ok with having a whole plate of Brussels sprouts for dinner (and did so on multiple occasions) I found new foods that I love! and new recipes that are now my list of favorites.

The one thing that I think made the biggest impression on me is that I found FREEDOM..... freedom from food. freedom from cravings. Freedom to 'eat to live' and not 'live to eat' anymore. I figured out that I can eat healthy and be happy about it (not, just eat your lettuce and be sad all the time).

Ok so blah blah blah... these are great life lessons and all, but what about the numbers?? Come on, lets get to the good stuff, right? ... I am a little ashamed to say that I started this journey with the scale on a number I was really not happy about. Shoot, I didn't even want to tell you, but..... 284 pounds. YUCK.... However, I finished my 25 days with my lowest weight since before I can remember..... 266 pounds!! (for the non mathematical people...) That is 18 pounds!!!! Say what what?? Can you feel my giant successful smile through these words I'm writing right now.

Yes, I'm so thrilled to be so much healthier than I was a few weeks ago and not just in weight loss numbers. My blood sugars are now in such good shape that I quit taking my insulin and am now just on oral meds (By the way, I'm ridiculously careful with my numbers and measuring and testing and tracking. I don't recommend going off your insulin or any medication, without first consulting your doctor) Also, my blood pressure has dropped. I'm hoping to back off of a little on that medication soon too. So...... in conclusion, good things all around and I am more than happy that I decided to embark on this (seemingly ridiculous) whole30 journey!!

So this weekend has been my 'off' time. I've enjoyed a few little treats. I made delicious peanut butter cookies today. They were glorious... I've enjoyed like 10 of them today :/ Holy cow, peanut butter perfection. really..... but life just needs cookies sometimes. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm getting back in the whole30 lifestyle again. I had tremendous results and I'm not ready to quit yet. :)

Everybody Dieting

This post is a bit off my normal topic... Yet still in line with the overall idea of weight loss in general.... huh? .....Ok let me put it this way, I don't want to talk about my weight loss stuff today. I'd like to talk about yours.

I've had many people ask me over the years for advice on health or what diet was easy to follow etc. I am not a professional. I don't have a degree in health or anything. I can only give you my opinion, backed by the only thing I have to give... experience. Just being generally healthy is a good goal to have. At this point in my life... my dreams of being a super strong body builder are about as achievable as me walking on the moon. But I'm doing what I can to be the best I can be. (By the way, I don't aspire to be a body builder... I'd just like to not be classified with a dangerous BMI)

Your intentions in the beginning are always amazing. You're strong and you're determined. You're a planner and have it all in your head what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, workout schedules, exercises etc. This is going to be great! .... Until you encounter that first bit of temptation too wonderful to say no to. Maybe you had a bad day? Maybe you're exhausted and don't feel like cooking. Whatever the reason may be, you're human. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were in the beginning, you need to realize that somewhere down the line.... you're just going to want to eat the darn cupcake! And even one more carrot stick is just going to make you cry....


So, what now? After you've devoured the cupcake (or 3?) the guilt may start to settle in and beat you up about not staying on the straight and narrow diet path. Place your focus not on the "why did I fail?" but on "whats done is done, now what?" If you choose the answer to that question well, you will be one step closer to succeeding. You will be wiser and stronger and certainly one step closer than all the other people who usually give up at this point. That is quite possibly the hardest lesson in dieting: learning to accept that you are human.

Its no lie that I've bounced around like a wild a crazy super ball from diet to diet for most of my life. And I still have about 50 pounds (give or take) to lose. I've lost a little over 100 so far though and I'm beyond happy with that. I've tried just about everything healthy and sometimes unhealthy. I'm in a really good place right now with the Whole30 plan. (read here if you missed that post) I'm not going to lie.... I'm a little crazy sometimes, but I know in my head and in my heart THIS is a good thing for me right now. I know Tthat my body is better than it was 15 days ago when I started this. to me, THAT is motivation to finish it out strong and continue with this.

If you see me in the next few weeks, I apologize in advance if I bore you with food facts or ingredients or explaining to you why we don't drink cows milk in this house.  My brain is in a really focused state of soaking up knowledge and really living in this 'whole30' nutrition mindset. Just be prepared. If you ask me, you may hear more than you planned on listening to :)

Also, I decided not to weigh myself (at all) from day 10-20. Big leap of faith for me... seeing those numbers go down is a really big motivating factor for me. I will continue to do what feels right for my body. If you'd like to learn more about Whole30, click here. It will direct you to their website where they offer all you need to know for free. :)

Goodnight!

Whole30

I didn't really mention this whole30 business to anyone other than family in the last week. I didn't feel like making it public until I figured things out a little. (Excuse me for breaking my "dieting naked" rule.) If you follow me on instagram (sparkle0811) you may have figured it out by now.

Basically, super duper strict to the max on food choices for 30 days. (Read more about it at WWW.whole.com) no wheat, no soy, no dairy, and no sugar... also no legumes, but that doesn't really affect my daily habits. Just eat veggies, fruits and meats.

This week has been.... how can I put it? Strange?.... I've gone from pumped and excited to ready to curl up in a ball and sob to myself... then to ready to kill everything, angry, sad, and then theres today where... eh. Its whatever. Kind of no opinions on anything really. I used to think I ate fairly healthy. I'm not going to lie... I know it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't terrible. This week has proven many things to me. I was totally, absolutely without a doubt hard addicted to sugar. And I'm a diabetic. That's not good. 

I feel OK about it now. If you were to offer me a cupcake or a bowl of ice cream I could say no thank you and be perfectly fine. I'm not sure if that's the sugar addiction gone from my body or the fact that most of the last week has been really tough and I can't let that suffering be for nothing lol

30 days. Its only 30 days.

I also weighed the other day. *gasp* I broke a big Whole30 rule. They say not to weigh because the focus is on health not weight loss... blah blah blah. I've lost some weight and that is a good motivator for me. I can tell things are moving in the right direction. I will do an update post in a few weeks. Until then.. I'm going to keep my weight loss numbers to myself... because I'm sneaky and I can! ;)

Catching up with a cup of almond milk

This post is long over due. Last post was a really messy point in this journey and I had to get it out, but I have been doing better since then. (thank you to my wonderful friends who have checked on me and supported me or even just listened to me whine a little to get it out!)

I'm pretty proud of myself for letting my obsession with the scale go. I've stepped on it... maybe 1 time in the last week? (instead of at least twice a day! eek!... I know. Christen sometimes rides the crazy OCD train) But...... guess what? No change in the numbers. none. So crazy obsessive number focused doesn't make the scale go down.... and careful with what I eat, but not making it part of my every thought and actually enjoying food.... doesn't seem to make a difference either. Interesting, right? But I feel SOOO much better being able to let that go.

I'm still working on the emotional side of getting used to not being as healthy as I would like my body to be. I was looking at my closet last week and trying to figure out something to wear for those weird 3 days that were actually "fall" weather and a bit too cool for summery shirts. My wardrobe is kind of pathetic, honestly. I have some nice clothes that I don't get to wear too often. I have todders, I'm a reasonable woman and just assume that by the end of the day, I'm going to be covered in some way with someone else's dirt. A lot of my clothes are pretty worn. But some of them are really worn and need to be tossed out. I realized that every season change, I go out and buy a few new tops or a sweater, but don't overdo it because 'this year I'll lose the weight and I won't even be in THESE clothes by next winter, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on new clothes' 

...yup... repeat same phrase 6 months later and get a little sad because last summer I said I wasn't going to be in these same clothes again. Yet, there I was.

Its taken me (I don't know how many) years to realize this unhealthy pattern. Anyways, its another thing I'm nixing and focusing on the good things instead. I can't let my kids see this habit in me and think that its ok. I need to be there for them and set a good example. Mommy needs to love herself no matter what she looks like or thinks she needs to change.

....So on to a new topic, who else has discovered almond milk? I'm in love with it. seriously. My love for it will never die and I have been using it for about 3 years now. (Before almond milk, I was drinking soy milk, but then saw that some sources of soy can be questionable and started looking for other options. Yes, I like the almond milk better.)

Waaaaaay back when I was in middle school and definitely by high school, I can remember giving up cereal for breakfast because by the time I got to school, I'd have a stomach ache and just not feel good. I quit drinking it milk all together. I had no idea why it caused me stomach pain. Not 1 person ever mentioned lactose intolerance to me. ever. (shows you how times have changed, huh?) 

I love how diverse we are as humans now where information is so readily available and heck.... people with food/diet specialties have their own isle in the grocery store. Its fabulous for those of us who need it! Almond milk even comes in chocolate now (HEB brand is fabulous, by the way!) If you're watching your weight, I'd go for the unsweetened version, but if you're not or you're looking for something to give your kids... the sweetened vanilla is always delicious. I buy the vanilla for my kids and the unsweetened 40calories/8oz version for myself. Try it, even if you are the slightest bit curious! 

My new mantra I've been trying to remember is that sometimes all you can do is not think, not imagine, not wonder and not obsess..... just have faith. faith that everything will work out for the best. <---- This is really hard for the OCD challenged individual, but I'm working on it! One day at a time. :)

Enough

*SPOILER ALERT* This post is a bit of a downer... a bit hohum and not much fun. But it is where life is right now... and I want to be honest and just let it out.

To say I'm frustrated is a bit of an understatement. exhausted, let down, sad, and spent, just to name a few.... But I can't just throw my hands up and be done with it. Life doesn't work that way. Life gets up and moves on.

I had my follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday. I did a stress test (i.e. just short of hell, thank you very much) and I had a ultrasound done on my heart. He confirmed what he had thought before. (read my previous post, if you missed this) That my rapid heart beating spells were ... in medical terms.... sinus tachycardia. Basically, my heart beats too fast due to any number of reasons, but its not serious as long as its monitored and controlled with medication. It could go away in a few years. who knows... So its not great news, but its not bad either. I got a green light from him and go back in 3 months to followup again.

The part of the heart that is affected from sinus tachycardia is the upper region. It controls that 'fight or flight response'. Someone jumps out from behind a corner and yells "boo!" you jump back and your heart is racing.... thats the region that is going a little crazy with my heart. It responds to stress or stressful situations to keep your body working properly.

It was brought up in the doctor's visit allllll about my past with Cushing's disease: The prolonged symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the lingering effects 8 years later.... (still over weight). We all kind of made the connection.... Cushings is caused by an over production of cortisol hormone in the body. Cortisol is a stress hormone. The sinus tachycardia (being the area that responds to stress) could (but also maybe not) be a result of the damage the cushings disease did to my body. I'm so sorry if I just totally confused everyone with that link train............ stay with me here. Body is used to excess cortisol (stress hormone) struggles to work properly without it. <--- thats a very lame way of explaining it, but you get the point?

You know what my brain heard through all that? ... YOU'RE STILL NOT CURED. :( You're still dealing with the pieces of a broken body and oh yeah... guess what? your dream of ever being 'healthy' just got on a bus and went a little bit further away down your life path! Best of luck catching up!

I'm usually a pretty positive person. Glass half full and always a rainbow after the rain, kind of talk... I've come so far. I mean, I'm not near the same person I was so 8 years ago when I was diagnosed. I don't even look the same..... (still!) Love the pink hair I had back then..... and isn't my honey so cute? ;)

I have improved in every area of the areas of my body that the disease destroyed... my muscles, my stamina, my mind is clear, I've lost over 100 pounds etc etc.... I just can't shake the rest of the weight and health issues, the high blood pressure and the diabetes that resulted from the weight gain. 

I've always felt like after all this time had passed that I was better and while I had a harder time losing with than most other people, it was all under my control and I just had to buckle down and just do it....

If you had told me 8 years ago when I was going through the surgery and everything that was prior and would follow that I'd still be dealing with it all these years later.... I'd have been so heart broken, kind of like I feel now. I literally thought by this point in my life I'd have conquered it by now. "I'll lose the weight by the time I'm 30! It'll be a brand new decade of my life filled with skinny clothes and a healthy body, better than what I had in my 20s!" It was my biggest achievable goal set and I've had my eye on it for years. Hope. So much determination and hope... While I'm tons tons better than I was, it is really been hard having to adjust my thinking that maybe I won't reach that goal (I have less than 5 months) and I'm just going to have to quit moping around and being mad about it and accept that its ok. :( no matter how frustrating it is... Its giving up a dream that I have had for so long, and really learning that I never really had control over it in the first place :( 

*Told you this was kind of a downer*

My body isn't perfect, its not working the way it should. It may never work the way it should. I was sick for so long before I was diagnosed... who knows what is possible. The formula for weight loss doesn't work on me. eat ___ calories - exercise ____ = weight loss. My fat stores work differently somehow. I don't know all the medical terminology or the scientific facts, but I do know I'm different and believing that I'm not different is only going to lead to more disappointment.

I do know that I can control what I eat. I still continue to eat healthy and exercise and darn-it... SOMETHING has got to give one day! ... right? It seems logical to me. I have to believe its true.

So... I'm going to just give myself a break and quit focusing calories and on weight loss for a while. I don't know how long. But its going to be for a while........ I can't keep subjecting myself to the feeling of failure day after day... week after week when I've realized now that I never really had any control over it in the first place. 

I have all kinds of blog posts planned about how I live and eat healthy, plus tips and tricks to help stay on track... I'm pretty good at the motivation part of losing weight. My focus is going to be on keeping active and nourishing my body with healthy vitamin enriched foods that will provide fuel for my body to focus on healing itself.... and maybe someday... it will. <3

Stress and Heart Issues :(

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. Life gets busy and you do what you gotta do to get through it!

Every time I sit down to write, I go over in my head the reason I actually started writing this blog in the first place. Because I wanted to be honest with myself and my family and friends as I travel through this journey towards health. I also want to be encouraging as well as educational to anyone who happens to stumble upon my blog in search of their own answers.

So, here is the thing. The honest truth. I struggle with anxiety. a lot of it. Sometimes seriously bad, sometimes not so bad. Its been off and on for a good part of my life. I have serious OCD tendencies in areas of my life (in other areas, not so much. weird, right?). When my 4 year old gets mad because she can't do something PERFECT, I can't get upset with her because I know exactly which side of the gene pool that character trait falls from. Yep, yours truly here! :/

This past week I had a few spells where my heart rate spiked up to 145 beats per minute. Most people stay around 100 bpm and only go up with exercise. Mine happened when I was doing nothing. I felt my heart beating out of my chest and got really weak, shortness of breath and shakey hands. It was horrible and left me drained for a good several hours afterwards.

Of course I called my doctor and I was actually able to get into a cardiologist yesterday. He put me on a monitor device for 48 hours. I have to return it Monday and then he'll get the results off it. He changed up my current medications. I still have some testing to do after we get the results from this device I'm wearing, but it doesn't look like it is anything serious right now.(Thank you, Jesus) He said the episodes could be due mostly to stress and it just sometimes happens to people. I could grow out of it in a few years. *fingers crossed it actually is nothing*

Anyways, through all this I've had a pretty severe wake-up call that I need to chill-the-heck-out. Over the last few days, I've tried to keep my mood mellow and relaxed. One of the areas that is getting nixed in my stress list is my scale. I know I weigh on it too often (sometimes 3 times a day, just out of curiosity) but I was under the belief that it helped keep me accountable. 'obviously if I do A + B = I should get C, right?' (FYI, In weight loss, this theory can be totally bogus sometimes) When I don't get the results I'm hoping for, I over analyze and it becomes an obsession down to every single detail of my day... Its been recently pointed out that this behavior/ me... is.... "crazy". (um thanks... mom) 

So, being determined to lessen the stress, I tucked my scale away for a while. NO more weighing and no real way (numbers) to track my progress by. I don't plan on weighing for a whole month. My Disney World weight loss goals are going to wait. Right now, I need to focus on eating healthy, clean meals and NOT obsessing over every detail. The doctor said I could keep exercising because it actually helps to strengthen the heart. (This was the one time in my life I thought I would have a legit excuse to NOT exercise lol) I plan on continuing my alternating days of treadmill and strength training. If nothing else, my endurance and muscles should progress over the next month whether my weight changes or not. And with that, I may not be skinnier for Disney, but I won't die walking the parks all day for a week either.

I'll keep updating as I learn more on my heart and trying to transition into a less stress/OCD lifestyle. 

God please help me... I'm not sure that I know how to NOT stress.