I kind of want it back

I never intended take this much time away from blogging. I had the thought of returning several times throughout the past few months, but with nothing new to really report... I felt like it wouldn't be productive for me. I want to be raw and honest about weight loss and the struggles that come with it.... Weight loss is still a goal for me, but really... there are bigger problems out there in the world to worry about, right?

As I've gotten older my reasons for weight loss have evolved into more of a 'better version of myself" goal. Whatever THAT looks like and (more importantly) feels like is perfectly fine with me. I never wanted to be a certain size or have dreams about modeling skimpy clothes in the centerfold of some magazine. I just want to be comfortable where I am, but also continually striving to be better at the same time. -- I realize how contradicting my goal for myself may sound. And I'm sorry I don't have a better way of describing it. I want to be happy with what I have become yet still looking forward to improving from the inside out in the future.

No doubt a lesser number on the scale has been and will be followed by overall better health... which is a big part of my goals. But I think its important to work on the inside of yourself and the mental and spiritual health as well. Hence why here I am 3 months later and my scale numbers look like this..... 

That is about a 10 pound fluctuation from lowest to highest peak... not the end of the world, I know... It could be worse... but still... I wish I was already at my goal weight. I can rock maintaining a weight range like no ones business.

I tend to be able to excel at only a few things at once, but I don't always get to choose which things. Weight loss -OR- personal sanity, clean house -OR- happy family, healthy meals -OR- a clean kitchen.... you get the idea. 

I was working my rear end so hard a few months ago. I was doing so good with working out and I thought I had really found a groove I could last for a lifetime in. I was busy but I was managing. I was proud of myself and you better believe I had my chest puffed out and roaring like the big ole bad tiger I felt like inside. I was running and I was all pumped and ready to continue through the holidays............ but this girl has a tendency to take on too many things at once and have expectations that are above perfection and ..... long story short, I found myself in the predicament where sleep was the only thing I had left to give in my life and I was coming out in the negative. I was suffering mentally -- which means my family had to deal with the stress of mommy is about to lose her sh...stuff any second now.

In desperation one night (like I'm sure most moms feel from time to time when they simply CAN'T figure out how to fit everything in during the day and are about to crack) I literally could only hear one word screaming in my head. Grace.... Grace.... Grace. So that is whats been going on the past few months mostly, if you want a short recap. -- Doing what I can and trying my best, but learning to be forgiving and cut myself some slack when I can't be perfect, which is most of the time. I'm showing myself some grace and allowing imperfections.

While I try to make healthy food our "normal", there were some nights when we ate crappy food. I LOVE wonton soup so much. My own daughter pointed out to me:

"Hot dogs twice in one day isn't really healthy, is it mom?"

*sigh* Thank you for pointing out my imperfections as a mother as if I wasn't smart enough to notice them myself... 

"No it is not the best choice... but its better than no dinner at all, isn't it?!?!?!?" 

I tried to keep it as normal as I could and not lose all my hard work to a weakness for food. I think that is a pretty good success. However, from the graph above, you can see where THAT has gotten me.

If my children held themselves to the level of perfection that I catch myself trying to hold myself to, my heart would break with sadness. I know its no way to live, so I'm working on it. I'm not where I wish I was....  but the world isn't ending. And that is going to have to be good enough for right now.

The problem I'm struggling with now is that the holidays were over 29 days ago.... (yeah, time passes fast when you're avoiding it) Things have calmed down. This general forgiving imperfections attitude was great for December and really allowed me to be ok with less than perfect.

I told myself I'd ease back into things slowly again after the new year. It is moving slower-than-slow though. My running right now is nothing where I was before and that is depressing. Hold on. No. Its....Stu-pid actually. Stupid. I was doing really good with running. Not like Olympic status or anything but for an over weight never run before in her life 30 something girl. I felt like I was doing well. Why can't I just take a break and jump right back into it at that same level? I shouldn't be kicked back to start again. That is really harsh! I understand the mechanics of it and its not just me that deals with this.... I just don't like it.

It is hard to get back the drive I had before. I have the same motivation. I still have the same goals. I even have the same desire to be successful that I had before... I just don't have the drive to give it everything and go at it again. And I don't know where to find it. 

If you see it laying somewhere around or know where I can find it... call me, won't you? I kind of want it back.