Don't tell people who you are. Show them.

Twice this week I found myself looking forward to working out this past week. what is WRONG with me??

The thing that used to make me cringe when I heard other people say it and ugh.... *gag* at the thought of looking forward to sweating???..... I'm doing it. I'm not giddy over it. I still don't want to do it most of the time. But I put on my shoes and go anyways. And I'm always glad I did. While I am on my walk/run I push myself. Not my normal "well at least I'm doing something... how much longer do I have now?" attitude..... I found myself asking "Why are you holding back? No one is watching. Quit debating and GOOOOO!"

I'm amazed at what I am (slowly) learning that I am capable of. Really. Right now, the only thing holding me back. The only thing standing in my way... is myself. That stupid little voice in my head saying "Girrrrrrrrl, *Z snap, snap, snap snap* please. you're still fat and slow and we don't run, remember? Now lets quit this nonsense and go get a cupcake." <---- SHE will always be a part of me. I don't think that self doubt will ever disappear. But while I'm on this journey of learning to use the body God has still kept alive all these rough years, suddenly... she isn't talking quite as loud as she used to. 

"Don't let other people tell you who you are.... show them."

I'm including myself in the "them" part of that quote. Its time to show myself who I really am and see what I/Christ can do.... And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Not enough hours in the day...

You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??

I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?

With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.

....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....

I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.

For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.

trotting next to the wagon

Alright! Time for me to confess.... when I quit my whole30, I told myself "I'll take a few days off and then jump right back on! Yeah!".... people, I'm still trotting along side the Waggon, but I ain't on it yet. :/ ...ugh. it's hard. Things keep coming up and y'all, the "bad foods" are soooooo good! I thought I could get my few cravings out in a few days, but I think what I'm learning is that life is one big craving. Coffee with a friend, dinner out because I didn't feel like grocery shopping, cupcakes, cookies etc. (At least for me anyways)

My brain wants to get back on the whole30 eating... every time I think about whole30, (at least 4 times a day) my brain says "not whole30, whole60" (like I'm some programmed robot or something... seriously, does anyone else have a ocd/over achiever brain like this? I think people take medication for stuff like this :( ) so I've been thinking..... 30 25 days gave me good success. 60 days would be even better...more commitment, more forced creativity when it comes to recipes and meal plans, but it should be worth it, right? The hardest part is getting my feet on the floor and declaring day 1!

If you're tired of hearing me talk about whole 30... I kind of am too, to be honest. If I'm every with you and I start going all food police or turn into one of those people who (vegans come to mind, though not all are like this. I know some pretty cool ones) not only tell you that they are on a special diet, but why they are on this special plan, how they manage it and why YOU should do it too. They'll even give you books to read our invite you over to prove their lettuce tofu "burger" is the best....and you're just left there trying not to be rude, but really wanting to finish your taco........... just stop me if you don't want to hear it and want to enjoy your food in peace. I don't want to be one of those crazies and not realize it. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm really learning new things and I see progress in ways I didn't expect.(I've done weight loss stuff for years y'all... tried everything) I'm absorbing, experimenting and analyzing and it is a bit of an obsession for me.

60 days will be good and give me a jump before summer. One more confession... I've always wanted a nose ring. But I've never been truly confident to get one. I guess it's my artsy side? No matter what diet/weight loss plan I started in my life time, if I got down to 250, my "reward" was to finally get it done... of course, I never planned it would take me this long to get even close to it. I will be turning 30 next month. I have 2 kids and married... I still really like the tiny stud, but I'm kind of a chicken lol am I too old now?

Whole30

I didn't really mention this whole30 business to anyone other than family in the last week. I didn't feel like making it public until I figured things out a little. (Excuse me for breaking my "dieting naked" rule.) If you follow me on instagram (sparkle0811) you may have figured it out by now.

Basically, super duper strict to the max on food choices for 30 days. (Read more about it at WWW.whole.com) no wheat, no soy, no dairy, and no sugar... also no legumes, but that doesn't really affect my daily habits. Just eat veggies, fruits and meats.

This week has been.... how can I put it? Strange?.... I've gone from pumped and excited to ready to curl up in a ball and sob to myself... then to ready to kill everything, angry, sad, and then theres today where... eh. Its whatever. Kind of no opinions on anything really. I used to think I ate fairly healthy. I'm not going to lie... I know it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't terrible. This week has proven many things to me. I was totally, absolutely without a doubt hard addicted to sugar. And I'm a diabetic. That's not good. 

I feel OK about it now. If you were to offer me a cupcake or a bowl of ice cream I could say no thank you and be perfectly fine. I'm not sure if that's the sugar addiction gone from my body or the fact that most of the last week has been really tough and I can't let that suffering be for nothing lol

30 days. Its only 30 days.

I also weighed the other day. *gasp* I broke a big Whole30 rule. They say not to weigh because the focus is on health not weight loss... blah blah blah. I've lost some weight and that is a good motivator for me. I can tell things are moving in the right direction. I will do an update post in a few weeks. Until then.. I'm going to keep my weight loss numbers to myself... because I'm sneaky and I can! ;)

Catching up with a cup of almond milk

This post is long over due. Last post was a really messy point in this journey and I had to get it out, but I have been doing better since then. (thank you to my wonderful friends who have checked on me and supported me or even just listened to me whine a little to get it out!)

I'm pretty proud of myself for letting my obsession with the scale go. I've stepped on it... maybe 1 time in the last week? (instead of at least twice a day! eek!... I know. Christen sometimes rides the crazy OCD train) But...... guess what? No change in the numbers. none. So crazy obsessive number focused doesn't make the scale go down.... and careful with what I eat, but not making it part of my every thought and actually enjoying food.... doesn't seem to make a difference either. Interesting, right? But I feel SOOO much better being able to let that go.

I'm still working on the emotional side of getting used to not being as healthy as I would like my body to be. I was looking at my closet last week and trying to figure out something to wear for those weird 3 days that were actually "fall" weather and a bit too cool for summery shirts. My wardrobe is kind of pathetic, honestly. I have some nice clothes that I don't get to wear too often. I have todders, I'm a reasonable woman and just assume that by the end of the day, I'm going to be covered in some way with someone else's dirt. A lot of my clothes are pretty worn. But some of them are really worn and need to be tossed out. I realized that every season change, I go out and buy a few new tops or a sweater, but don't overdo it because 'this year I'll lose the weight and I won't even be in THESE clothes by next winter, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on new clothes' 

...yup... repeat same phrase 6 months later and get a little sad because last summer I said I wasn't going to be in these same clothes again. Yet, there I was.

Its taken me (I don't know how many) years to realize this unhealthy pattern. Anyways, its another thing I'm nixing and focusing on the good things instead. I can't let my kids see this habit in me and think that its ok. I need to be there for them and set a good example. Mommy needs to love herself no matter what she looks like or thinks she needs to change.

....So on to a new topic, who else has discovered almond milk? I'm in love with it. seriously. My love for it will never die and I have been using it for about 3 years now. (Before almond milk, I was drinking soy milk, but then saw that some sources of soy can be questionable and started looking for other options. Yes, I like the almond milk better.)

Waaaaaay back when I was in middle school and definitely by high school, I can remember giving up cereal for breakfast because by the time I got to school, I'd have a stomach ache and just not feel good. I quit drinking it milk all together. I had no idea why it caused me stomach pain. Not 1 person ever mentioned lactose intolerance to me. ever. (shows you how times have changed, huh?) 

I love how diverse we are as humans now where information is so readily available and heck.... people with food/diet specialties have their own isle in the grocery store. Its fabulous for those of us who need it! Almond milk even comes in chocolate now (HEB brand is fabulous, by the way!) If you're watching your weight, I'd go for the unsweetened version, but if you're not or you're looking for something to give your kids... the sweetened vanilla is always delicious. I buy the vanilla for my kids and the unsweetened 40calories/8oz version for myself. Try it, even if you are the slightest bit curious! 

My new mantra I've been trying to remember is that sometimes all you can do is not think, not imagine, not wonder and not obsess..... just have faith. faith that everything will work out for the best. <---- This is really hard for the OCD challenged individual, but I'm working on it! One day at a time. :)