Not enough hours in the day...

You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??

I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?

With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.

....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....

I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.

For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.

27....28....29.....30!

I really can't believe that in t minus 1 day I'm.going.to.be.30.. woah. And yet... at the same time.... eh. really 30 is just one more year that I am blessed to be loved by my family, and have the opportunity every single day to do the things I love.

If you grab my kindle from me at any random moment, you'll probably find on it some silly mind boggling game that I like to play, pinterest and most likely some book that I'm in the middle of reading that has something to do with improving myself in some way shape or form. It might be about motherhood and child psychology. It might be about weight loss. It might be diet related.... It might be about organizing, design etc etc.... I seriously can't get enough information in my brain about being myself, but just a little bit better. I have my moments where I feel on top of the world and like I really have it all together... and then I start to cry because it falls apart. (a perfectionist's downfall)

I know full well that I will never reach perfection and I know that I am by no means a failure either. But I'm also never ok with just settling in the thought that who I am at this moment in time is the best that I will be.

5 years ago, I decided that I was going to be at my goal weight by the time I hit my 30th birthday if it (even if it killed me!)... hmph. Unless I figure out a way to lose 60 pounds by Thursday... that ain't happening. Over the last year I've had to come to terms with that. Its really hard. Its been 8.5 years since my diagnosis and surgery to remove the pituitary tumor. I really thought that by now I would be 'cured'. It kind of sucks that my health isn't as much on board as my brain is about letting go of the pounds. One thing is for certain though, my 30s will be SO much healthier than my 20s. THAT is my new goal.

I've always been a perfectionist and the crazy OCD habit of a perfectionist is to set boundaries and goals for yourself... then try to attain them, but surpass them. I compete with myself (like a crazy person... wait... it isn't, just me that does this, is it?).

Speaking of goals:

Did y'all see the Oscars? For me, there were a lot of "who's he?... oh." and "She is famous?... oh, ok." Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they give awards for the behind the scenes people too. A LOT of work goes into making all those pretty faces look good on film. Good for all you people I did not recognize. Y'all looked lovely.

My personal favorite moment was when Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor award. I mean, yes, he is a wonderful actor and I think most every girl on this planet will agree that the good Lord was having Himself a good day when He made Matthew, am I riiiiiight? (yes, I'm on a first name basis). Did you hear the speech he gave? wow. I mean, wow. Inspiring to say the least. Not only did he give thanks to his pretty wife and his momma, he gave thanks to God for everything he has accomplished in life. I LOVE him even more now.

Here is the link if you're interested and feel like being inspired :) (skip to 0:40 seconds to get right to the point. People clap a lot) If you missed it, watch it. watch it now. I'll put the video here below so you don't even have to go search youtube for it. Seriously, Its less than 3 minutes. Watch it.

At 1:17 Matthew says the 3 things he needs every day. "someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase"

At 2:20 He says while growing up his momma demanded that he respect himself and in turn that lead to being better able to respect others. (Something I think there is way too little of in this world)

At 2:49 He begins to explain who his hero is. His hero is himself ten years from now. Before you scoff and think he is being ridiculously arrogant, think about it. If you are always striving to be the best version of yourself, you will always grow. Always change. Always increase.

THAT is who I want to be. (No, not Matthew McConaughey. I don't have the time to fix his hair everyday) I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

While I know perfection isn't possible in this world, and getting even somewhat close is something you have to fight hard for... I say that it is worth the fight.

*Here is to turning 30 on thursday and being totally happy about it :) .... cheers*

trotting next to the wagon

Alright! Time for me to confess.... when I quit my whole30, I told myself "I'll take a few days off and then jump right back on! Yeah!".... people, I'm still trotting along side the Waggon, but I ain't on it yet. :/ ...ugh. it's hard. Things keep coming up and y'all, the "bad foods" are soooooo good! I thought I could get my few cravings out in a few days, but I think what I'm learning is that life is one big craving. Coffee with a friend, dinner out because I didn't feel like grocery shopping, cupcakes, cookies etc. (At least for me anyways)

My brain wants to get back on the whole30 eating... every time I think about whole30, (at least 4 times a day) my brain says "not whole30, whole60" (like I'm some programmed robot or something... seriously, does anyone else have a ocd/over achiever brain like this? I think people take medication for stuff like this :( ) so I've been thinking..... 30 25 days gave me good success. 60 days would be even better...more commitment, more forced creativity when it comes to recipes and meal plans, but it should be worth it, right? The hardest part is getting my feet on the floor and declaring day 1!

If you're tired of hearing me talk about whole 30... I kind of am too, to be honest. If I'm every with you and I start going all food police or turn into one of those people who (vegans come to mind, though not all are like this. I know some pretty cool ones) not only tell you that they are on a special diet, but why they are on this special plan, how they manage it and why YOU should do it too. They'll even give you books to read our invite you over to prove their lettuce tofu "burger" is the best....and you're just left there trying not to be rude, but really wanting to finish your taco........... just stop me if you don't want to hear it and want to enjoy your food in peace. I don't want to be one of those crazies and not realize it. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm really learning new things and I see progress in ways I didn't expect.(I've done weight loss stuff for years y'all... tried everything) I'm absorbing, experimenting and analyzing and it is a bit of an obsession for me.

60 days will be good and give me a jump before summer. One more confession... I've always wanted a nose ring. But I've never been truly confident to get one. I guess it's my artsy side? No matter what diet/weight loss plan I started in my life time, if I got down to 250, my "reward" was to finally get it done... of course, I never planned it would take me this long to get even close to it. I will be turning 30 next month. I have 2 kids and married... I still really like the tiny stud, but I'm kind of a chicken lol am I too old now?

Whole30!... Well Almost :/

So, This was going to be my Whole30 wrap up post.... only.... its more like Whole25 :/ I will come right out and admit that I did NOT make the whole 30 days.

Last Friday, I had a ton of things going on, and I was upset. I was tired and I had to sit through a pretty lame birthday party for one of my kid's friends and ...yeah. It all ended while I was in the car on the way home from the party and realized that a fun size snickers (yes, I stole it from my kids party bags) was halfway down my throat and gone. It was pretty anticlimactic. I actually didn't get upset or anything.... just kind of a.... 'well, darn' feeling more than anything else. I think I didn't really get upset because I've had so much (and I mean so much!) success with this way of eating over the past few weeks that I had already made up my mind to finish my whole30 (oops) and then take a week or so off and do another 30.... or whatever.

But lets go back to my Whole30 25. I'm really excited to be able to share what I've learned. First off, before I eliminated sugar from my diet, I could have told you that I wasn't really that addicted to sugar. huh, boy did I eat those words. By day 5, I was such a mad, frustrated, sad... crazy person. Sugar withdrwals are no fun. When I had a dream about bread loaves and donuts chasing me down the street.... I knew I had it pretty bad. But with the help of my mom cheering me on and listening to me weep over how much I thought I wasn't addicted to food, I pushed through and came out of the dark cloud around day 8. 

It still really took a while before I discovered the amazing feeling I kept hearing people talk about. My energy picked up around day 14-15 and kept getting better from there. I felt like I was in a really good mood... I'm in a pretty good mood most of the time really, but my mind felt clear and alert. It was great.

I seriously don't regret any of my whole30 experience. Its one of the most eye opening experiences I've ever had in my life. I don't have any food cravings anymore. (Don't take this the wrong way, there is still a chubby little kid inside me that wants to sit around and eat cupcakes all day... I don't think she will never leave) I don't crave the bad stuff. I'm ok with having a whole plate of Brussels sprouts for dinner (and did so on multiple occasions) I found new foods that I love! and new recipes that are now my list of favorites.

The one thing that I think made the biggest impression on me is that I found FREEDOM..... freedom from food. freedom from cravings. Freedom to 'eat to live' and not 'live to eat' anymore. I figured out that I can eat healthy and be happy about it (not, just eat your lettuce and be sad all the time).

Ok so blah blah blah... these are great life lessons and all, but what about the numbers?? Come on, lets get to the good stuff, right? ... I am a little ashamed to say that I started this journey with the scale on a number I was really not happy about. Shoot, I didn't even want to tell you, but..... 284 pounds. YUCK.... However, I finished my 25 days with my lowest weight since before I can remember..... 266 pounds!! (for the non mathematical people...) That is 18 pounds!!!! Say what what?? Can you feel my giant successful smile through these words I'm writing right now.

Yes, I'm so thrilled to be so much healthier than I was a few weeks ago and not just in weight loss numbers. My blood sugars are now in such good shape that I quit taking my insulin and am now just on oral meds (By the way, I'm ridiculously careful with my numbers and measuring and testing and tracking. I don't recommend going off your insulin or any medication, without first consulting your doctor) Also, my blood pressure has dropped. I'm hoping to back off of a little on that medication soon too. So...... in conclusion, good things all around and I am more than happy that I decided to embark on this (seemingly ridiculous) whole30 journey!!

So this weekend has been my 'off' time. I've enjoyed a few little treats. I made delicious peanut butter cookies today. They were glorious... I've enjoyed like 10 of them today :/ Holy cow, peanut butter perfection. really..... but life just needs cookies sometimes. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm getting back in the whole30 lifestyle again. I had tremendous results and I'm not ready to quit yet. :)

Everybody Dieting

This post is a bit off my normal topic... Yet still in line with the overall idea of weight loss in general.... huh? .....Ok let me put it this way, I don't want to talk about my weight loss stuff today. I'd like to talk about yours.

I've had many people ask me over the years for advice on health or what diet was easy to follow etc. I am not a professional. I don't have a degree in health or anything. I can only give you my opinion, backed by the only thing I have to give... experience. Just being generally healthy is a good goal to have. At this point in my life... my dreams of being a super strong body builder are about as achievable as me walking on the moon. But I'm doing what I can to be the best I can be. (By the way, I don't aspire to be a body builder... I'd just like to not be classified with a dangerous BMI)

Your intentions in the beginning are always amazing. You're strong and you're determined. You're a planner and have it all in your head what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, workout schedules, exercises etc. This is going to be great! .... Until you encounter that first bit of temptation too wonderful to say no to. Maybe you had a bad day? Maybe you're exhausted and don't feel like cooking. Whatever the reason may be, you're human. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were in the beginning, you need to realize that somewhere down the line.... you're just going to want to eat the darn cupcake! And even one more carrot stick is just going to make you cry....


So, what now? After you've devoured the cupcake (or 3?) the guilt may start to settle in and beat you up about not staying on the straight and narrow diet path. Place your focus not on the "why did I fail?" but on "whats done is done, now what?" If you choose the answer to that question well, you will be one step closer to succeeding. You will be wiser and stronger and certainly one step closer than all the other people who usually give up at this point. That is quite possibly the hardest lesson in dieting: learning to accept that you are human.

Its no lie that I've bounced around like a wild a crazy super ball from diet to diet for most of my life. And I still have about 50 pounds (give or take) to lose. I've lost a little over 100 so far though and I'm beyond happy with that. I've tried just about everything healthy and sometimes unhealthy. I'm in a really good place right now with the Whole30 plan. (read here if you missed that post) I'm not going to lie.... I'm a little crazy sometimes, but I know in my head and in my heart THIS is a good thing for me right now. I know Tthat my body is better than it was 15 days ago when I started this. to me, THAT is motivation to finish it out strong and continue with this.

If you see me in the next few weeks, I apologize in advance if I bore you with food facts or ingredients or explaining to you why we don't drink cows milk in this house.  My brain is in a really focused state of soaking up knowledge and really living in this 'whole30' nutrition mindset. Just be prepared. If you ask me, you may hear more than you planned on listening to :)

Also, I decided not to weigh myself (at all) from day 10-20. Big leap of faith for me... seeing those numbers go down is a really big motivating factor for me. I will continue to do what feels right for my body. If you'd like to learn more about Whole30, click here. It will direct you to their website where they offer all you need to know for free. :)

Goodnight!

Peace

So, its been about a month since I last visited my own blog to write (again!).... Sorry. I know there are really no excuses or explanations necessary... Life is busy here and obviously, with 2 little toddlers at home, things get prioritized and put off and put off.... and off again. I don't know why so many animal pictures ended up in this blog... once I started googling..... I couldn't stop!

As far as weight loss....eh. neither up nor down. I still feel like this blog is my own tiny micro corner of the world where I can just let it out, and let it go and remind myself that I am a somewhat broken and imperfect human........ just like everyone else in this world. and that it is ok to be that.

I have an obsessive brain that chooses to focus and fixate at all the wrong times. The best description I can give is that I feel like I am a firefox browser window (only because I despise internet explorer)... with 865 tabs open, all the time, constantly clicking. constantly refreshing. Because of this, I feel like every single day I just go with whatever life gives me and keep moving to keep my head above water. If I stop going, I feel like I'm going to get swallowed up by..... by what, I have no idea actually... but its like an impending break down of all my walls (ie: sanity)... like when you're halfway through a game of jenga and every single decision is one step closer to game over. Insane, right?.... good grief, tell me I am not along in this ridiculously fast paced way of life!

I've had a few inspirational moments in the last few weeks that have really stood out to me and made an impact... 

1) It finally hit me that I need to slow down. You could have told me this a thousand times and I would have just let it go in one ear and out the other.  This is something I had to learn (again) for myself. Slowing down means working on things that I haven't put at the top of my to-do list for a while. Taking time for me. Forgetting the endless housework to just sit and snuggle my babies while they watch Cinderella for the one thousandth time this month. I could list a million tiny things that make all the difference in the world... if you just slow down long enough to see them. 1000 Awesome Things This website pretty much sums up what I mean. Tiny (almost) insignificant things that happen every day and really make a difference in your level of happiness if you take note of them.

2) I know that I live a blessed life. Not all of it is perfect, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has had his hand in my life and everything that has happened to me has not been by accident. Its really easy for me to say that with 100% full conviction on my good days. On my bad days.... eh, it is not as easy, but I still know that it is true.

3) When I'm having a bad/emotional/frustrating/whatever day, the people who are closest to me are the ones who get dumped on and see me when I'm not at my best. Right now, most of the time, it is my children. And that part needs to change. like now. I think I maintain my cool most of the time, but its not enough if I let myself scream and get angry even once. I know I can't be perfect all of the time, but I believe they deserve the constant practice for a positive and more patient mindset that I need to have. (Even after the ten thousandth time I've separated them to try and keep the slightest bit of sanity in this house)

4) This past week, in the usual whirl wind of approaching holidays amidst an already full schedule... I quit. After an eye opening visit at a friend's house I realized that a lot of the daily stress in my life, I bring on myself.

It is harming my body and it needs to stop. The solution is as simple as just saying no. For 3 days this week, I didn't worry about cooking, I didn't worry about the 10 different projects I had going on, I went to bed at 8:30 almost every night. I literally did the absolute minimum and quit everything else... and I demanded from myself that focus on surrounding myself with nothing but peace. -- I'll let you in on the most surprising thing I found. The world didn't end, y'all. Everyone was still alive and going along just fine without me. I don't think the world evolves around me or anything. I'm not that crazy, but it was really nice to be reminded that its ok for me to take a few days off and to not put that pressure on myself to hold everything together. -- Its nothing I can continue 100% long term. Obviously I can't just do nothing all the time. But it was very eye opening that I have the ability to control it. 

And yes.... I'm still trying to get my house back in order from those days. 2 toddlers don't clean up after themselves!

5) I need to cut myself some slack. *sigh* Its so much easier said than done :/ In reality am I ever going to have normal expectations of my capabilities? ha... and no. Probably not. I dream big and have high expectations. And I don't necessarily think that its a bad thing. I just need to be ok with sometimes letting go with just enough so I can breathe a little bit more.

So, striving to not go back to that constant feeling of - just barely keeping my head above water, as a way of life - feeling again.... I keep letting the word 'PEACE' resonate in my mind. over and over again. Trying to keep peace (not ridiculous amounts of stress) as my 'center'. This is my focus right now. Somehow, saying peace over and over again leaves no room for its counter feeling of wild abandon and loss of control. If anyone has any input on how to do that with 2 very active toddlers in the house.... please do tell. I have a feeling it is going to be a lesson learned over a long period of time.