Not enough hours in the day...

You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??

I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?

With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.

....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....

I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.

For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.

27....28....29.....30!

I really can't believe that in t minus 1 day I'm.going.to.be.30.. woah. And yet... at the same time.... eh. really 30 is just one more year that I am blessed to be loved by my family, and have the opportunity every single day to do the things I love.

If you grab my kindle from me at any random moment, you'll probably find on it some silly mind boggling game that I like to play, pinterest and most likely some book that I'm in the middle of reading that has something to do with improving myself in some way shape or form. It might be about motherhood and child psychology. It might be about weight loss. It might be diet related.... It might be about organizing, design etc etc.... I seriously can't get enough information in my brain about being myself, but just a little bit better. I have my moments where I feel on top of the world and like I really have it all together... and then I start to cry because it falls apart. (a perfectionist's downfall)

I know full well that I will never reach perfection and I know that I am by no means a failure either. But I'm also never ok with just settling in the thought that who I am at this moment in time is the best that I will be.

5 years ago, I decided that I was going to be at my goal weight by the time I hit my 30th birthday if it (even if it killed me!)... hmph. Unless I figure out a way to lose 60 pounds by Thursday... that ain't happening. Over the last year I've had to come to terms with that. Its really hard. Its been 8.5 years since my diagnosis and surgery to remove the pituitary tumor. I really thought that by now I would be 'cured'. It kind of sucks that my health isn't as much on board as my brain is about letting go of the pounds. One thing is for certain though, my 30s will be SO much healthier than my 20s. THAT is my new goal.

I've always been a perfectionist and the crazy OCD habit of a perfectionist is to set boundaries and goals for yourself... then try to attain them, but surpass them. I compete with myself (like a crazy person... wait... it isn't, just me that does this, is it?).

Speaking of goals:

Did y'all see the Oscars? For me, there were a lot of "who's he?... oh." and "She is famous?... oh, ok." Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they give awards for the behind the scenes people too. A LOT of work goes into making all those pretty faces look good on film. Good for all you people I did not recognize. Y'all looked lovely.

My personal favorite moment was when Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor award. I mean, yes, he is a wonderful actor and I think most every girl on this planet will agree that the good Lord was having Himself a good day when He made Matthew, am I riiiiiight? (yes, I'm on a first name basis). Did you hear the speech he gave? wow. I mean, wow. Inspiring to say the least. Not only did he give thanks to his pretty wife and his momma, he gave thanks to God for everything he has accomplished in life. I LOVE him even more now.

Here is the link if you're interested and feel like being inspired :) (skip to 0:40 seconds to get right to the point. People clap a lot) If you missed it, watch it. watch it now. I'll put the video here below so you don't even have to go search youtube for it. Seriously, Its less than 3 minutes. Watch it.

At 1:17 Matthew says the 3 things he needs every day. "someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase"

At 2:20 He says while growing up his momma demanded that he respect himself and in turn that lead to being better able to respect others. (Something I think there is way too little of in this world)

At 2:49 He begins to explain who his hero is. His hero is himself ten years from now. Before you scoff and think he is being ridiculously arrogant, think about it. If you are always striving to be the best version of yourself, you will always grow. Always change. Always increase.

THAT is who I want to be. (No, not Matthew McConaughey. I don't have the time to fix his hair everyday) I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

While I know perfection isn't possible in this world, and getting even somewhat close is something you have to fight hard for... I say that it is worth the fight.

*Here is to turning 30 on thursday and being totally happy about it :) .... cheers*

Hungry for Change

First, I had a yummy dinner tonight.

Salad with chicken and grape tomatoes, a few pine nuts and spices. Doesn't that look delicious? :) Quite satisfying too. I have to confess though.... I need advice. I'm getting rather bored with my proteins. (totally not weight related but) I have bad TMJ issues and arthritis in my jaw. My jaw gets fatigued and sore when eating tougher foods. So, for the past several years, no gum, no steak :( or pork chops... chicken and ground turkey seem to be ok for now... but I'm almost to the point where I don't even want those anymore. Not because of the jaw pain but because I've lost my taste for them.

I could go without meat most of the time, but I struggle to find different food substitutions for protein at meal time. Eggs are good, but theres only so many eggs a person can take... soy, I'm not comfortable with the way some food companies try to pass off frankien-soy products off as the real thing. I still eat soy, I just don't depend on it as my main source of protein in a meal. I know I am sounding super difficult and stubborn to deal with. I'm kind of feeling burnt out, I guess.... and then I hate myself for feeling that way because I'm no where near where I want to be with my weight loss goals and its too early to get burnt out! Its a vicious cycle, I tell you! 

I can't even tell you what it is I'm really looking for... just some more ideas on how to eat other proteins that I'm not totally sick of?? I'm diabetic, proteins to balance out carbs (even low glycemic carbs) is important.

I have been doing a protein shake every morning for breakfast. I enjoy it... And after almost 2 months of using the blender everyday, my kids are finally starting to not run around crazy scared for the 30 seconds it takes me to blend it together. (I won't lie... I know its bad, but I kind of get a kick out of most every time lol) and when I'm home it is a convenient meal at other times of the day but I don't feel like I want to depend on it all the time, you know?

Another reason for my funk tonight is a documentary I watched on netflix today while my son napped in my lap. Hungry for Change. You can see the first 20 minutes online or its free on instant watch if you have netflix. I'm warning you though.... Its worth watching, but I was pretty upset by the end of it. 

I'm a designer. Its in my blood to make things appealing to the eye. My marketing side knows all the tricks to make (insert whatever product/person here) look like a better decision than its competition. And yet I can't believe how much I've been fooled into thinking the FDA had any good intentions at all. And how many people are fooled int thinking they're making the right decision when all they are doing is making the companies more money. The documentary is about the way our food has so drastically changed over the last century. The lab chemicals, the marketing trickery to make you buy certain brands and become addicted to them so you keep buying them. Its an offense equal to those of cigarette companies.............

In the back of my head I knew OF this, but had never seen it all compiled together in one place.

Sorry.......... I will quit my rant and let you decide for yourself if you want to know it all or not. I can tell you that as of right now... I'm a little puzzled. If you decide to watch it, or have seen it before... I'd love to know your opinion and thoughts on it.

 I still know what is healthy and none of the facts have really changed.... It just astounds me how much of the grocery store is eliminated. I already only shopped about 20% of the store. Now I'm left with desiring even less than that? and hardly any idea what to eat.

I did my grocery shopping this afternoon (bad timing lol) and walked out of the store with basically an assortment of veggies (fresh and frozen) and some apples, and the kid's favorite organic chicken nuggets and juice. I have no idea what I'm cooking this week. Its probably going to be a weird week where I keep staring at my fridge with food in it and not knowing what to do with it. We'll see what happens.

Also in a bit of an impulse moment, I bought a juicer that was on sale from amazon. I'm hoping it will help get more nutrients in my diet. Anyone else juice? I'd just like to add it in to my already healthy diet... not use it for the sole source of nutrition.

I hope your week is going well. Here its hit or miss and I truly miss having my husband around all the time. His presence helps me quiet the constant racing thoughts in my head.

Ooh! speaking of.... look what I picked up from the grocery store today! (also impulse... though I love tea)

see that? "relaxes frazzled nerves" ....  its might as well say "Christen's tea" on the front lol I love peppermint tea :)

have a good night! And please let me know if you have any input, ideas or comments... I appreciate every one of them greatly and love hearing I'm not alone in this fight to be a little less mommy...