27....28....29.....30!

I really can't believe that in t minus 1 day I'm.going.to.be.30.. woah. And yet... at the same time.... eh. really 30 is just one more year that I am blessed to be loved by my family, and have the opportunity every single day to do the things I love.

If you grab my kindle from me at any random moment, you'll probably find on it some silly mind boggling game that I like to play, pinterest and most likely some book that I'm in the middle of reading that has something to do with improving myself in some way shape or form. It might be about motherhood and child psychology. It might be about weight loss. It might be diet related.... It might be about organizing, design etc etc.... I seriously can't get enough information in my brain about being myself, but just a little bit better. I have my moments where I feel on top of the world and like I really have it all together... and then I start to cry because it falls apart. (a perfectionist's downfall)

I know full well that I will never reach perfection and I know that I am by no means a failure either. But I'm also never ok with just settling in the thought that who I am at this moment in time is the best that I will be.

5 years ago, I decided that I was going to be at my goal weight by the time I hit my 30th birthday if it (even if it killed me!)... hmph. Unless I figure out a way to lose 60 pounds by Thursday... that ain't happening. Over the last year I've had to come to terms with that. Its really hard. Its been 8.5 years since my diagnosis and surgery to remove the pituitary tumor. I really thought that by now I would be 'cured'. It kind of sucks that my health isn't as much on board as my brain is about letting go of the pounds. One thing is for certain though, my 30s will be SO much healthier than my 20s. THAT is my new goal.

I've always been a perfectionist and the crazy OCD habit of a perfectionist is to set boundaries and goals for yourself... then try to attain them, but surpass them. I compete with myself (like a crazy person... wait... it isn't, just me that does this, is it?).

Speaking of goals:

Did y'all see the Oscars? For me, there were a lot of "who's he?... oh." and "She is famous?... oh, ok." Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they give awards for the behind the scenes people too. A LOT of work goes into making all those pretty faces look good on film. Good for all you people I did not recognize. Y'all looked lovely.

My personal favorite moment was when Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor award. I mean, yes, he is a wonderful actor and I think most every girl on this planet will agree that the good Lord was having Himself a good day when He made Matthew, am I riiiiiight? (yes, I'm on a first name basis). Did you hear the speech he gave? wow. I mean, wow. Inspiring to say the least. Not only did he give thanks to his pretty wife and his momma, he gave thanks to God for everything he has accomplished in life. I LOVE him even more now.

Here is the link if you're interested and feel like being inspired :) (skip to 0:40 seconds to get right to the point. People clap a lot) If you missed it, watch it. watch it now. I'll put the video here below so you don't even have to go search youtube for it. Seriously, Its less than 3 minutes. Watch it.

At 1:17 Matthew says the 3 things he needs every day. "someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase"

At 2:20 He says while growing up his momma demanded that he respect himself and in turn that lead to being better able to respect others. (Something I think there is way too little of in this world)

At 2:49 He begins to explain who his hero is. His hero is himself ten years from now. Before you scoff and think he is being ridiculously arrogant, think about it. If you are always striving to be the best version of yourself, you will always grow. Always change. Always increase.

THAT is who I want to be. (No, not Matthew McConaughey. I don't have the time to fix his hair everyday) I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

While I know perfection isn't possible in this world, and getting even somewhat close is something you have to fight hard for... I say that it is worth the fight.

*Here is to turning 30 on thursday and being totally happy about it :) .... cheers*

Peace

So, its been about a month since I last visited my own blog to write (again!).... Sorry. I know there are really no excuses or explanations necessary... Life is busy here and obviously, with 2 little toddlers at home, things get prioritized and put off and put off.... and off again. I don't know why so many animal pictures ended up in this blog... once I started googling..... I couldn't stop!

As far as weight loss....eh. neither up nor down. I still feel like this blog is my own tiny micro corner of the world where I can just let it out, and let it go and remind myself that I am a somewhat broken and imperfect human........ just like everyone else in this world. and that it is ok to be that.

I have an obsessive brain that chooses to focus and fixate at all the wrong times. The best description I can give is that I feel like I am a firefox browser window (only because I despise internet explorer)... with 865 tabs open, all the time, constantly clicking. constantly refreshing. Because of this, I feel like every single day I just go with whatever life gives me and keep moving to keep my head above water. If I stop going, I feel like I'm going to get swallowed up by..... by what, I have no idea actually... but its like an impending break down of all my walls (ie: sanity)... like when you're halfway through a game of jenga and every single decision is one step closer to game over. Insane, right?.... good grief, tell me I am not along in this ridiculously fast paced way of life!

I've had a few inspirational moments in the last few weeks that have really stood out to me and made an impact... 

1) It finally hit me that I need to slow down. You could have told me this a thousand times and I would have just let it go in one ear and out the other.  This is something I had to learn (again) for myself. Slowing down means working on things that I haven't put at the top of my to-do list for a while. Taking time for me. Forgetting the endless housework to just sit and snuggle my babies while they watch Cinderella for the one thousandth time this month. I could list a million tiny things that make all the difference in the world... if you just slow down long enough to see them. 1000 Awesome Things This website pretty much sums up what I mean. Tiny (almost) insignificant things that happen every day and really make a difference in your level of happiness if you take note of them.

2) I know that I live a blessed life. Not all of it is perfect, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has had his hand in my life and everything that has happened to me has not been by accident. Its really easy for me to say that with 100% full conviction on my good days. On my bad days.... eh, it is not as easy, but I still know that it is true.

3) When I'm having a bad/emotional/frustrating/whatever day, the people who are closest to me are the ones who get dumped on and see me when I'm not at my best. Right now, most of the time, it is my children. And that part needs to change. like now. I think I maintain my cool most of the time, but its not enough if I let myself scream and get angry even once. I know I can't be perfect all of the time, but I believe they deserve the constant practice for a positive and more patient mindset that I need to have. (Even after the ten thousandth time I've separated them to try and keep the slightest bit of sanity in this house)

4) This past week, in the usual whirl wind of approaching holidays amidst an already full schedule... I quit. After an eye opening visit at a friend's house I realized that a lot of the daily stress in my life, I bring on myself.

It is harming my body and it needs to stop. The solution is as simple as just saying no. For 3 days this week, I didn't worry about cooking, I didn't worry about the 10 different projects I had going on, I went to bed at 8:30 almost every night. I literally did the absolute minimum and quit everything else... and I demanded from myself that focus on surrounding myself with nothing but peace. -- I'll let you in on the most surprising thing I found. The world didn't end, y'all. Everyone was still alive and going along just fine without me. I don't think the world evolves around me or anything. I'm not that crazy, but it was really nice to be reminded that its ok for me to take a few days off and to not put that pressure on myself to hold everything together. -- Its nothing I can continue 100% long term. Obviously I can't just do nothing all the time. But it was very eye opening that I have the ability to control it. 

And yes.... I'm still trying to get my house back in order from those days. 2 toddlers don't clean up after themselves!

5) I need to cut myself some slack. *sigh* Its so much easier said than done :/ In reality am I ever going to have normal expectations of my capabilities? ha... and no. Probably not. I dream big and have high expectations. And I don't necessarily think that its a bad thing. I just need to be ok with sometimes letting go with just enough so I can breathe a little bit more.

So, striving to not go back to that constant feeling of - just barely keeping my head above water, as a way of life - feeling again.... I keep letting the word 'PEACE' resonate in my mind. over and over again. Trying to keep peace (not ridiculous amounts of stress) as my 'center'. This is my focus right now. Somehow, saying peace over and over again leaves no room for its counter feeling of wild abandon and loss of control. If anyone has any input on how to do that with 2 very active toddlers in the house.... please do tell. I have a feeling it is going to be a lesson learned over a long period of time.