Twice this week I found myself looking forward to working out this past week. what is WRONG with me??
The thing that used to make me cringe when I heard other people say it and ugh.... *gag* at the thought of looking forward to sweating???..... I'm doing it. I'm not giddy over it. I still don't want to do it most of the time. But I put on my shoes and go anyways. And I'm always glad I did. While I am on my walk/run I push myself. Not my normal "well at least I'm doing something... how much longer do I have now?" attitude..... I found myself asking "Why are you holding back? No one is watching. Quit debating and GOOOOO!"
I'm amazed at what I am (slowly) learning that I am capable of. Really. Right now, the only thing holding me back. The only thing standing in my way... is myself. That stupid little voice in my head saying "Girrrrrrrrl, *Z snap, snap, snap snap* please. you're still fat and slow and we don't run, remember? Now lets quit this nonsense and go get a cupcake." <---- SHE will always be a part of me. I don't think that self doubt will ever disappear. But while I'm on this journey of learning to use the body God has still kept alive all these rough years, suddenly... she isn't talking quite as loud as she used to.
"Don't let other people tell you who you are.... show them."
I'm including myself in the "them" part of that quote. Its time to show myself who I really am and see what I/Christ can do.... And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
I wanted to re-visit the reason I actually keep a blog on my struggles and triumphs in weight loss. Its not because I think someone actually really cares what I do every day or you actually care how much I weigh or what I'm eating. I know my closest friends and family love me no matter what.
I'm in a good place mentally right now. That may change by next week, but right now I'm going to roll with it.
I write this blog to keep myself accountable. This post is really what started my mindset on accountability. "Dieting Naked" means that instead of unspoken promises to yourself to be "good" tomorrow and then eat a bowl of ice cream right before bed, you announce your intentions. You unveil yourself, diet in plain sight without shame.
I'm now accountable to you. You know my intentions. You will know the deepest desires of my heart and you have my compete permission to slap me on the wrist if you see me behaving otherwise. Thats why I pour my heart out in these corners of the internet. No more secret deals with myself that I break when the first hard day comes up. No more promises in the dark that I forsake in the daylight when confronted with an Oreo package. No more.Because I can't fathom doing this on my own. The struggle is so... so real. "diet in plain sight without shame". NONE, peoples. I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that I struggle. Like, fall off the wagon with your face flat in the mud with your shoelace caught on the wheel so you get drug for a while and can't get up, kind of struggle. And when I fall (which I have countless times) ... I know admitting it and sharing my story is ok. I'm not perfect.
This was today's fitbit readings... see all that green?? Not a discouraging day, here! I met each and every one of my goals. That doesn't happen every day, but I have to pat myself on the back when it does happen. I did have to go take a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood this evening to get it done... but *newsflash* I kind of really actually enjoyed it.... go figure. I did some calculations in my head tonight of how much weight I've actually lost from my heaviest. Give or take because I don't remember what my highest weight recorded was. It was somewhere around 400 pounds. So from 400 pounds, I've lost 133 pounds. That is a % loss of 33.75%. (holy cow!)
I see numbers like that and while I still have a long ways to go.... I don't feel quite so defeated anymore.... in fact, I feel quite the opposite.
I haven't done any photo comparisons in a while... So lets keep this good juice flowing!
These pictures were from 2007. Just over 2 years after I had surgery for a pituitary tumor that caused Cushing's Disease and all but destroyed my body. I might have already lost a little weight by this point due to wedding craziness and dreams, but not very much. Fast forward.....
And then there is the "today" photos... still not done with weight loss. not quite an "after"... but progress is being made, right? * .....side note: the humidity is killing my hair today :(
*For my hubby, who I'm not so sure liked being blurred out of our wedding photo... sorry. You know I love you oh-so-much! You are my rock and my solid supporter through everything I've been through health wise and otherwise. I couldn't make it without you. Thank you for everything.
You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??
I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?
With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.
I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.
....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....
I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.
For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.
I really can't believe that in t minus 1 day I'm.going.to.be.30.. woah. And yet... at the same time.... eh. really 30 is just one more year that I am blessed to be loved by my family, and have the opportunity every single day to do the things I love.
If you grab my kindle from me at any random moment, you'll probably find on it some silly mind boggling game that I like to play, pinterest and most likely some book that I'm in the middle of reading that has something to do with improving myself in some way shape or form. It might be about motherhood and child psychology. It might be about weight loss. It might be diet related.... It might be about organizing, design etc etc.... I seriously can't get enough information in my brain about being myself, but just a little bit better. I have my moments where I feel on top of the world and like I really have it all together... and then I start to cry because it falls apart. (a perfectionist's downfall)
I know full well that I will never reach perfection and I know that I am by no means a failure either. But I'm also never ok with just settling in the thought that who I am at this moment in time is the best that I will be.
5 years ago, I decided that I was going to be at my goal weight by the time I hit my 30th birthday if it (even if it killed me!)... hmph. Unless I figure out a way to lose 60 pounds by Thursday... that ain't happening. Over the last year I've had to come to terms with that. Its really hard. Its been 8.5 years since my diagnosis and surgery to remove the pituitary tumor. I really thought that by now I would be 'cured'. It kind of sucks that my health isn't as much on board as my brain is about letting go of the pounds. One thing is for certain though, my 30s will be SO much healthier than my 20s. THAT is my new goal.
I've always been a perfectionist and the crazy OCD habit of a perfectionist is to set boundaries and goals for yourself... then try to attain them, but surpass them. I compete with myself (like a crazy person... wait... it isn't, just me that does this, is it?).
Speaking of goals:
Did y'all see the Oscars? For me, there were a lot of "who's he?... oh." and "She is famous?... oh, ok." Don't get me wrong, I am happy that they give awards for the behind the scenes people too. A LOT of work goes into making all those pretty faces look good on film. Good for all you people I did not recognize. Y'all looked lovely.
My personal favorite moment was when Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor award. I mean, yes, he is a wonderful actor and I think most every girl on this planet will agree that the good Lord was having Himself a good day when He made Matthew, am I riiiiiight? (yes, I'm on a first name basis). Did you hear the speech he gave? wow. I mean, wow. Inspiring to say the least. Not only did he give thanks to his pretty wife and his momma, he gave thanks to God for everything he has accomplished in life. I LOVE him even more now.
Here is the link if you're interested and feel like being inspired :) (skip to 0:40 seconds to get right to the point. People clap a lot) If you missed it, watch it. watch it now. I'll put the video here below so you don't even have to go search youtube for it. Seriously, Its less than 3 minutes. Watch it.
At 1:17 Matthew says the 3 things he needs every day. "someone to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase"
At 2:20 He says while growing up his momma demanded that he respect himself and in turn that lead to being better able to respect others. (Something I think there is way too little of in this world)
At 2:49 He begins to explain who his hero is. His hero is himself ten years from now. Before you scoff and think he is being ridiculously arrogant, think about it. If you are always striving to be the best version of yourself, you will always grow. Always change. Always increase.
THAT is who I want to be. (No, not Matthew McConaughey. I don't have the time to fix his hair everyday) I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.
While I know perfection isn't possible in this world, and getting even somewhat close is something you have to fight hard for... I say that it is worth the fight.
*Here is to turning 30 on thursday and being totally happy about it :) .... cheers*
This post is a bit off my normal topic... Yet still in line with the overall idea of weight loss in general.... huh? .....Ok let me put it this way, I don't want to talk about my weight loss stuff today. I'd like to talk about yours.
I've had many people ask me over the years for advice on health or what diet was easy to follow etc. I am not a professional. I don't have a degree in health or anything. I can only give you my opinion, backed by the only thing I have to give... experience. Just being generally healthy is a good goal to have. At this point in my life... my dreams of being a super strong body builder are about as achievable as me walking on the moon. But I'm doing what I can to be the best I can be. (By the way, I don't aspire to be a body builder... I'd just like to not be classified with a dangerous BMI)
Your intentions in the beginning are always amazing. You're strong and you're determined. You're a planner and have it all in your head what to do, what to eat, what not to eat, workout schedules, exercises etc. This is going to be great! .... Until you encounter that first bit of temptation too wonderful to say no to. Maybe you had a bad day? Maybe you're exhausted and don't feel like cooking. Whatever the reason may be, you're human. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were in the beginning, you need to realize that somewhere down the line.... you're just going to want to eat the darn cupcake! And even one more carrot stick is just going to make you cry....
So, what now? After you've devoured the cupcake (or 3?) the guilt may start to settle in and beat you up about not staying on the straight and narrow diet path. Place your focus not on the "why did I fail?" but on "whats done is done, now what?" If you choose the answer to that question well, you will be one step closer to succeeding. You will be wiser and stronger and certainly one step closer than all the other people who usually give up at this point. That is quite possibly the hardest lesson in dieting: learning to accept that you are human.
Its no lie that I've bounced around like a wild a crazy super ball
from diet to diet for most of my life. And I still have about 50 pounds
(give or take) to lose. I've lost a little over 100 so far though and I'm beyond happy with that. I've tried just about everything healthy and
sometimes unhealthy. I'm in a really good place right now with the
Whole30 plan. (read here if you missed that post) I'm not going to lie.... I'm a little crazy sometimes, but
I know in my head and in my heart THIS is a good thing for me right
now. I know Tthat my body is better than it was 15 days ago when I
started this. to me, THAT is motivation to finish it out strong and
continue with this.
If you see me in the next few weeks, I apologize in advance if I bore you with food facts or ingredients or explaining to you why we don't drink cows milk in this house. My brain is in a really focused state of soaking up knowledge and really living in this 'whole30' nutrition mindset. Just be prepared. If you ask me, you may hear more than you planned on listening to :)
Also, I decided not to weigh myself (at all) from day 10-20. Big leap of faith for me... seeing those numbers go down is a really big motivating factor for me. I will continue to do what feels right for my body. If you'd like to learn more about Whole30, click here. It will direct you to their website where they offer all you need to know for free. :)
I didn't really mention this whole30 business to anyone other than family in the last week. I didn't feel like making it public until I figured things out a little. (Excuse me for breaking my "dieting naked" rule.) If you follow me on instagram (sparkle0811) you may have figured it out by now.
Basically, super duper strict to the max on food choices for 30 days. (Read more about it at WWW.whole.com) no wheat, no soy, no dairy, and no sugar... also no legumes, but that doesn't really affect my daily habits. Just eat veggies, fruits and meats.
This week has been.... how can I put it? Strange?.... I've gone from pumped and excited to ready to curl up in a ball and sob to myself... then to ready to kill everything, angry, sad, and then theres today where... eh. Its whatever. Kind of no opinions on anything really. I used to think I ate fairly healthy. I'm not going to lie... I know it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't terrible. This week has proven many things to me. I was totally, absolutely without a doubt hard addicted to sugar. And I'm a diabetic. That's not good.
I feel OK about it now. If you were to offer me a cupcake or a bowl of ice cream I could say no thank you and be perfectly fine. I'm not sure if that's the sugar addiction gone from my body or the fact that most of the last week has been really tough and I can't let that suffering be for nothing lol
30 days. Its only 30 days.
I also weighed the other day. *gasp* I broke a big Whole30 rule. They say not to weigh because the focus is on health not weight loss... blah blah blah. I've lost some weight and that is a good motivator for me. I can tell things are moving in the right direction. I will do an update post in a few weeks. Until then.. I'm going to keep my weight loss numbers to myself... because I'm sneaky and I can! ;)
*SPOILER ALERT* This post is a bit of a downer... a bit hohum and not much fun. But it is where life is right now... and I want to be honest and just let it out.
To say I'm frustrated is a bit of an understatement. exhausted, let down, sad, and spent, just to name a few.... But I can't just throw my hands up and be done with it. Life doesn't work that way. Life gets up and moves on.
I had my follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday. I did a stress test (i.e. just short of hell, thank you very much) and I had a ultrasound done on my heart. He confirmed what he had thought before. (read my previous post, if you missed this) That my rapid heart beating spells were ... in medical terms.... sinus tachycardia. Basically, my heart beats too fast due to any number of reasons, but its not serious as long as its monitored and controlled with medication. It could go away in a few years. who knows... So its not great news, but its not bad either. I got a green light from him and go back in 3 months to followup again.
The part of the heart that is affected from sinus tachycardia is the upper region. It controls that 'fight or flight response'. Someone jumps out from behind a corner and yells "boo!" you jump back and your heart is racing.... thats the region that is going a little crazy with my heart. It responds to stress or stressful situations to keep your body working properly.
It was brought up in the doctor's visit allllll about my past with Cushing's disease: The prolonged symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the lingering effects 8 years later.... (still over weight). We all kind of made the connection.... Cushings is caused by an over production of cortisol hormone in the body. Cortisol is a stress hormone. The sinus tachycardia (being the area that responds to stress) could (but also maybe not) be a result of the damage the cushings disease did to my body. I'm so sorry if I just totally confused everyone with that link train............ stay with me here. Body is used to excess cortisol (stress hormone) struggles to work properly without it. <--- thats a very lame way of explaining it, but you get the point?
You know what my brain heard through all that? ... YOU'RE STILL NOT CURED. :( You're still dealing with the pieces of a broken body and oh yeah... guess what? your dream of ever being 'healthy' just got on a bus and went a little bit further away down your life path! Best of luck catching up!
I'm usually a pretty positive person. Glass half full and always a rainbow after the rain, kind of talk... I've come so far. I mean, I'm not near the same person I was so 8 years ago when I was diagnosed. I don't even look the same..... (still!) Love the pink hair I had back then..... and isn't my honey so cute? ;)
I have improved in every area of the areas of my body that the disease destroyed... my muscles, my stamina, my mind is clear, I've lost over 100 pounds etc etc.... I just can't shake the rest of the weight and health issues, the high blood pressure and the diabetes that resulted from the weight gain.
I've always felt like after all this time had passed that I was better and while I had a harder time losing with than most other people, it was all under my control and I just had to buckle down and just do it....
If you had told me 8 years ago when I was going through the surgery and everything that was prior and would follow that I'd still be dealing with it all these years later.... I'd have been so heart broken, kind of like I feel now. I literally thought by this point in my life I'd have conquered it by now. "I'll lose the weight by the time I'm 30! It'll be a brand new decade of my life filled with skinny clothes and a healthy body, better than what I had in my 20s!" It was my biggest achievable goal set and I've had my eye on it for years. Hope. So much determination and hope... While I'm tons tons better than I was, it is really been hard having to adjust my thinking that maybe I won't reach that goal (I have less than 5 months) and I'm just going to have to quit moping around and being mad about it and accept that its ok. :( no matter how frustrating it is... Its giving up a dream that I have had for so long, and really learning that I never really had control over it in the first place :(
*Told you this was kind of a downer*
My body isn't perfect, its not working the way it should. It may never work the way it should. I was sick for so long before I was diagnosed... who knows what is possible. The formula for weight loss doesn't work on me. eat ___ calories - exercise ____ = weight loss. My fat stores work differently somehow. I don't know all the medical terminology or the scientific facts, but I do know I'm different and believing that I'm not different is only going to lead to more disappointment.
I do know that I can control what I eat. I still continue to eat healthy and exercise and darn-it... SOMETHING has got to give one day! ... right? It seems logical to me. I have to believe its true.
So... I'm going to just give myself a break and quit focusing calories and on weight loss for a while. I don't know how long. But its going to be for a while........ I can't keep subjecting myself to the feeling of failure day after day... week after week when I've realized now that I never really had any control over it in the first place.
I have all kinds of blog posts planned about how I live and eat healthy, plus tips and tricks to help stay on track... I'm pretty good at the motivation part of losing weight. My focus is going to be on keeping active and nourishing my
body with healthy vitamin enriched foods that will provide fuel for my body to focus
on healing itself.... and maybe someday... it will. <3
Sorry I've been MIA for a while. Life gets busy and you do what you gotta do to get through it!
Every time I sit down to write, I go over in my head the reason I actually started writing this blog in the first place. Because I wanted to be honest with myself and my family and friends as I travel through this journey towards health. I also want to be encouraging as well as educational to anyone who happens to stumble upon my blog in search of their own answers.
So, here is the thing. The honest truth. I struggle with anxiety. a lot of it. Sometimes seriously bad, sometimes not so bad. Its been off and on for a good part of my life. I have serious OCD tendencies in areas of my life (in other areas, not so much. weird, right?). When my 4 year old gets mad because she can't do something PERFECT, I can't get upset with her because I know exactly which side of the gene pool that character trait falls from. Yep, yours truly here! :/
This past week I had a few spells where my heart rate spiked up to 145 beats per minute. Most people stay around 100 bpm and only go up with exercise. Mine happened when I was doing nothing. I felt my heart beating out of my chest and got really weak, shortness of breath and shakey hands. It was horrible and left me drained for a good several hours afterwards.
Of course I called my doctor and I was actually able to get into a cardiologist yesterday. He put me on a monitor device for 48 hours. I have to return it Monday and then he'll get the results off it. He changed up my current medications. I still have some testing to do after we get the results from this device I'm wearing, but it doesn't look like it is anything serious right now.(Thank you, Jesus) He said the episodes could be due mostly to stress and it just sometimes happens to people. I could grow out of it in a few years. *fingers crossed it actually is nothing*
Anyways, through all this I've had a pretty severe wake-up call that I need to chill-the-heck-out. Over the last few days, I've tried to keep my mood mellow and relaxed. One of the areas that is getting nixed in my stress list is my scale. I know I weigh on it too often (sometimes 3 times a day, just out of curiosity) but I was under the belief that it helped keep me accountable. 'obviously if I do A + B = I should get C, right?' (FYI, In weight loss, this theory can be totally bogus sometimes) When I don't get the results I'm hoping for, I over analyze and it becomes an obsession down to every single detail of my day... Its been recently pointed out that this behavior/ me... is.... "crazy". (um thanks... mom)
So, being determined to lessen the stress, I tucked my scale away for a while. NO more weighing and no real way (numbers) to track my progress by. I don't plan on weighing for a whole month. My Disney World weight loss goals are going to wait. Right now, I need to focus on eating healthy, clean meals and NOT obsessing over every detail. The doctor said I could keep exercising because it actually helps to strengthen the heart. (This was the one time in my life I thought I would have a legit excuse to NOT exercise lol) I plan on continuing my alternating days of treadmill and strength training. If nothing else, my endurance and muscles should progress over the next month whether my weight changes or not. And with that, I may not be skinnier for Disney, but I won't die walking the parks all day for a week either.
I'll keep updating as I learn more on my heart and trying to transition into a less stress/OCD lifestyle.
God please help me... I'm not sure that I know how to NOT stress.
