You ever have those days where '....ugh, do I have ANYTHING together in my life anymore?' seem to be part of the main thought process more than 'hey. I got this.' ??
I'm not going to lie. I kind of take a bit of pride in my google calendar schedule and trying to fake myself into thinking that I've got a handle on things. Menu planned - check. gym schedule - (kind of) check. Kids pick up - check. work, hubby time, appointments - check check check. Honestly, if it ain't on the google calendar, it.don't.happen. I feel like I'm living minute by minute, reminder alarm to reminder alarm. I do much better this way than I do just figuring out things as I go. This girl doesn't do loosy goosy very well..... and yet.... I wonder if this is really a good way to live?
With every single minute planned to a tee... I can't even schedule in time to relax or do the tings I want to do. Like I choose to be selfish tonight and ignore the dishes in the sink and the semi chaotic state of my house so I can have 20 minutes to sit here and blog tonight. But I'll regret it when I wake up in the morning and have to rush around to finish up cleaning. The only thing that I really have control over sacrificing is my sanity and my sleep. Both of which (from previous experience) aren't really a good thing to toy with.
I'm struggling right now. Struggling with balance, struggling with holding up everything on my plate and really... really struggling with weight loss. I guess that is what is weighing heaviest on my heart right now. I'm not at all where I want to be. not even close. I'm no worse off than I was a few months ago. I'm not gaining weight and I think that is a feat to be proud of in itself.... I have my focus in too many different directions right now to be successful in weight loss.
....And I'm tired. tired of feeling like I'm failing and just plain tired. So there you have it. Dieting Naked. The ugly truth that some days are good and empowering and other days finding yourself at rock bottom with a shovel in your hand still digging deeper.....
I won't give up. My kids deserve better from me. I think this balancing game isn't something I'll ever really 'get'.... just one day at a time trying to tip the scales more in the direction of 'good' vs. 'bad'.
For now... I'm going to go take some dust of the treadmill and try and work myself into a state where I feel like a shower and then bed is all I can want. We'll deal with tomorrow (and the dishes) in the morning. Goodnight.
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