Enough

*SPOILER ALERT* This post is a bit of a downer... a bit hohum and not much fun. But it is where life is right now... and I want to be honest and just let it out.

To say I'm frustrated is a bit of an understatement. exhausted, let down, sad, and spent, just to name a few.... But I can't just throw my hands up and be done with it. Life doesn't work that way. Life gets up and moves on.

I had my follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday. I did a stress test (i.e. just short of hell, thank you very much) and I had a ultrasound done on my heart. He confirmed what he had thought before. (read my previous post, if you missed this) That my rapid heart beating spells were ... in medical terms.... sinus tachycardia. Basically, my heart beats too fast due to any number of reasons, but its not serious as long as its monitored and controlled with medication. It could go away in a few years. who knows... So its not great news, but its not bad either. I got a green light from him and go back in 3 months to followup again.

The part of the heart that is affected from sinus tachycardia is the upper region. It controls that 'fight or flight response'. Someone jumps out from behind a corner and yells "boo!" you jump back and your heart is racing.... thats the region that is going a little crazy with my heart. It responds to stress or stressful situations to keep your body working properly.

It was brought up in the doctor's visit allllll about my past with Cushing's disease: The prolonged symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the lingering effects 8 years later.... (still over weight). We all kind of made the connection.... Cushings is caused by an over production of cortisol hormone in the body. Cortisol is a stress hormone. The sinus tachycardia (being the area that responds to stress) could (but also maybe not) be a result of the damage the cushings disease did to my body. I'm so sorry if I just totally confused everyone with that link train............ stay with me here. Body is used to excess cortisol (stress hormone) struggles to work properly without it. <--- thats a very lame way of explaining it, but you get the point?

You know what my brain heard through all that? ... YOU'RE STILL NOT CURED. :( You're still dealing with the pieces of a broken body and oh yeah... guess what? your dream of ever being 'healthy' just got on a bus and went a little bit further away down your life path! Best of luck catching up!

I'm usually a pretty positive person. Glass half full and always a rainbow after the rain, kind of talk... I've come so far. I mean, I'm not near the same person I was so 8 years ago when I was diagnosed. I don't even look the same..... (still!) Love the pink hair I had back then..... and isn't my honey so cute? ;)

I have improved in every area of the areas of my body that the disease destroyed... my muscles, my stamina, my mind is clear, I've lost over 100 pounds etc etc.... I just can't shake the rest of the weight and health issues, the high blood pressure and the diabetes that resulted from the weight gain. 

I've always felt like after all this time had passed that I was better and while I had a harder time losing with than most other people, it was all under my control and I just had to buckle down and just do it....

If you had told me 8 years ago when I was going through the surgery and everything that was prior and would follow that I'd still be dealing with it all these years later.... I'd have been so heart broken, kind of like I feel now. I literally thought by this point in my life I'd have conquered it by now. "I'll lose the weight by the time I'm 30! It'll be a brand new decade of my life filled with skinny clothes and a healthy body, better than what I had in my 20s!" It was my biggest achievable goal set and I've had my eye on it for years. Hope. So much determination and hope... While I'm tons tons better than I was, it is really been hard having to adjust my thinking that maybe I won't reach that goal (I have less than 5 months) and I'm just going to have to quit moping around and being mad about it and accept that its ok. :( no matter how frustrating it is... Its giving up a dream that I have had for so long, and really learning that I never really had control over it in the first place :( 

*Told you this was kind of a downer*

My body isn't perfect, its not working the way it should. It may never work the way it should. I was sick for so long before I was diagnosed... who knows what is possible. The formula for weight loss doesn't work on me. eat ___ calories - exercise ____ = weight loss. My fat stores work differently somehow. I don't know all the medical terminology or the scientific facts, but I do know I'm different and believing that I'm not different is only going to lead to more disappointment.

I do know that I can control what I eat. I still continue to eat healthy and exercise and darn-it... SOMETHING has got to give one day! ... right? It seems logical to me. I have to believe its true.

So... I'm going to just give myself a break and quit focusing calories and on weight loss for a while. I don't know how long. But its going to be for a while........ I can't keep subjecting myself to the feeling of failure day after day... week after week when I've realized now that I never really had any control over it in the first place. 

I have all kinds of blog posts planned about how I live and eat healthy, plus tips and tricks to help stay on track... I'm pretty good at the motivation part of losing weight. My focus is going to be on keeping active and nourishing my body with healthy vitamin enriched foods that will provide fuel for my body to focus on healing itself.... and maybe someday... it will. <3