Working out and my apologies for being awkward...

Please don't hate me after this: I know this is going to come as hard for some people to read because a while back I'd just roll my eyes at the cliche "making time for exercise" stuff and throw my hands up and (want to yell) "they don't know my life! I have NO time for exercise!! I have kids, husband and this laundry ain't going to wash itself!" and then I'd get all mad and brush it off as just being impossible in my life.... and then probably go eat a donut or something.

I feel like I kind of might get it now though..... so you know what? I'm proof that people (and opinions) can change. Things have changed now that my kids are a bit older and don't need me every single freakin second of the day during the night. Some things are different than even a year ago... but if I was really ready to change things up back then... I'm pretty sure I could have even then. More than my situation... my mind needed to change.

I totaled up my time working out yesterday. Its just at 5 hours/week of JUST cardio. (I'm about to change things up though so that will change a bit again... and then probably again later on) I was pretty shocked. I mean, I'm committed and I haven't let myself miss any days unless I was sick and needed to recover... but its more than I would have guessed it to be. I stay pretty busy throughout the week. This girl never has any time to 'kick back and relax'. I don't spend hours upon hours cursing and sweating all the time. Its mostly tiny bits of shorter times throughout the week, but it really does add up.

Where have I heard this before? oh... just about every single weight loss plan EVER. If you can't do 1 hour, do 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. or 15 minutes whenever you can. It adds up.

Dang it. I thought I was stumbling onto something major here and it just turns out that I am stubborn at listening to someone else and need to crawl my way through the fire to learn it myself. oh well.

It didn't start out 5 hours a week in the beginning. It was just 1/2 hour walking 1-2 days/week. Just to take a break and get out of the house. To do something solely for myself. Then I increased to 3 days and added a bit of time. I found a 3.1 mile route to practice for a 5k.... then I worked up to (usually) 4 evenings a week.

Also 4 days a week, I drop off my daughter at school at 8:45 and my son doesn't start school until 9:30. So we were killing time at walgreens or sitting in the drive through at starbucks or I would play on pintrest and he would watch a movie in the car or something. Basically zero productivity (minus recipe and future craft pinning) in these 35 minutes before I can take him to class. You know me... this drives me crazy. Wasted time. ugh. I can't stand it. Then it hit me. There is a walking trail right next to his school. Its quiet, but the path is paved and safe. It would take some getting used to. A little less standards on being all cute for work.... I may not smell like roses when I'm done, but I can change from my workout clothes into my work clothes when I get to work. There is deodorant and perfume, right?.... and just like that an extra 1.5 hour added to my active minutes per week. I throw on headphones. My son gets in the stroller and gets to have special time on my kindle playing games. 35 minutes goes by really fast most days.

I reserve 2 days a week where I do nothing but focus on my family. no trying to count step goals, no fitting in gym time. just family. Sundays and Wednesdays are my days. (it also gives me flex days if we have other plans on another night to still get in my work outs) I used to look forward to these days and be excited to not feel guilty about not working out. looking forward to the break/day off etc. This past Wednesday I was literally beside myself and unsure what to do. Like, I knew it was Wednesday, and my day off but I had to remind myself at least 100x before noon that there was no gym time tonight. no putting on my work out clothes. just real clothes all day long. a "rest day".

............ I used to want to slap the snot out of girls that said what I just openly admitted. I've gotten so used to filling every single open slot on my calendar with some form of being active and establishing a routine that I forgot what to do on the days I don't have to. I absolutely loved doting on my sweet husband and really enjoyed my focus being on him (and maybe a little folding clothes too). I felt like I fully got to enjoy it, and appreciate it.

I still don't claim to have it all figured out, but I can tell such a difference in myself and my mind set.

Something I'm finding out that I'm quite awful at lately is taking a complement. If you've been so kind to tell me that my weight loss is showing or that I'm really looking like I've lost a lot of weight. I love you and I appreciate you so much, but I apologize for my odd and awkward situation making reply. I really have no idea what to do in this situation. Online, I can be cool and just say "thank you! :)" but in person... its odd. I've never been extremely proud of my body and its been almost a mission in life to find ways to hide it or make it so I'm not the center of attention. Vertical stripes are a friend to the tummy.... I don't want to sound ashamed, but that's just the general way of handling being morbidly obese your entire life. (Don't get me that "flaunt your curves" B.S.... it might make you feel better, but extra fat cells on your body are still EXTRA fat cells)

So the fact that people are noticing me and noticing the changes in my (still overweight) body... I haven't found a way to adapt to it yet.

My heart swells with pride and admiration when I watch someone else lose weight and work hard! I understand both sides. I just don't know to to react to someone else noticing my own success?..... trying to blend in and hope no one notices you to people actually really taking notice of your hard work. Its weird. Please just know that if you have to suffer my awkwardness, I'm really sorry. But please take this as a thank you for caring about me. I really do appreciate the love and support.

Thank you with all my heart.