Peace

So, its been about a month since I last visited my own blog to write (again!).... Sorry. I know there are really no excuses or explanations necessary... Life is busy here and obviously, with 2 little toddlers at home, things get prioritized and put off and put off.... and off again. I don't know why so many animal pictures ended up in this blog... once I started googling..... I couldn't stop!

As far as weight loss....eh. neither up nor down. I still feel like this blog is my own tiny micro corner of the world where I can just let it out, and let it go and remind myself that I am a somewhat broken and imperfect human........ just like everyone else in this world. and that it is ok to be that.

I have an obsessive brain that chooses to focus and fixate at all the wrong times. The best description I can give is that I feel like I am a firefox browser window (only because I despise internet explorer)... with 865 tabs open, all the time, constantly clicking. constantly refreshing. Because of this, I feel like every single day I just go with whatever life gives me and keep moving to keep my head above water. If I stop going, I feel like I'm going to get swallowed up by..... by what, I have no idea actually... but its like an impending break down of all my walls (ie: sanity)... like when you're halfway through a game of jenga and every single decision is one step closer to game over. Insane, right?.... good grief, tell me I am not along in this ridiculously fast paced way of life!

I've had a few inspirational moments in the last few weeks that have really stood out to me and made an impact... 

1) It finally hit me that I need to slow down. You could have told me this a thousand times and I would have just let it go in one ear and out the other.  This is something I had to learn (again) for myself. Slowing down means working on things that I haven't put at the top of my to-do list for a while. Taking time for me. Forgetting the endless housework to just sit and snuggle my babies while they watch Cinderella for the one thousandth time this month. I could list a million tiny things that make all the difference in the world... if you just slow down long enough to see them. 1000 Awesome Things This website pretty much sums up what I mean. Tiny (almost) insignificant things that happen every day and really make a difference in your level of happiness if you take note of them.

2) I know that I live a blessed life. Not all of it is perfect, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has had his hand in my life and everything that has happened to me has not been by accident. Its really easy for me to say that with 100% full conviction on my good days. On my bad days.... eh, it is not as easy, but I still know that it is true.

3) When I'm having a bad/emotional/frustrating/whatever day, the people who are closest to me are the ones who get dumped on and see me when I'm not at my best. Right now, most of the time, it is my children. And that part needs to change. like now. I think I maintain my cool most of the time, but its not enough if I let myself scream and get angry even once. I know I can't be perfect all of the time, but I believe they deserve the constant practice for a positive and more patient mindset that I need to have. (Even after the ten thousandth time I've separated them to try and keep the slightest bit of sanity in this house)

4) This past week, in the usual whirl wind of approaching holidays amidst an already full schedule... I quit. After an eye opening visit at a friend's house I realized that a lot of the daily stress in my life, I bring on myself.

It is harming my body and it needs to stop. The solution is as simple as just saying no. For 3 days this week, I didn't worry about cooking, I didn't worry about the 10 different projects I had going on, I went to bed at 8:30 almost every night. I literally did the absolute minimum and quit everything else... and I demanded from myself that focus on surrounding myself with nothing but peace. -- I'll let you in on the most surprising thing I found. The world didn't end, y'all. Everyone was still alive and going along just fine without me. I don't think the world evolves around me or anything. I'm not that crazy, but it was really nice to be reminded that its ok for me to take a few days off and to not put that pressure on myself to hold everything together. -- Its nothing I can continue 100% long term. Obviously I can't just do nothing all the time. But it was very eye opening that I have the ability to control it. 

And yes.... I'm still trying to get my house back in order from those days. 2 toddlers don't clean up after themselves!

5) I need to cut myself some slack. *sigh* Its so much easier said than done :/ In reality am I ever going to have normal expectations of my capabilities? ha... and no. Probably not. I dream big and have high expectations. And I don't necessarily think that its a bad thing. I just need to be ok with sometimes letting go with just enough so I can breathe a little bit more.

So, striving to not go back to that constant feeling of - just barely keeping my head above water, as a way of life - feeling again.... I keep letting the word 'PEACE' resonate in my mind. over and over again. Trying to keep peace (not ridiculous amounts of stress) as my 'center'. This is my focus right now. Somehow, saying peace over and over again leaves no room for its counter feeling of wild abandon and loss of control. If anyone has any input on how to do that with 2 very active toddlers in the house.... please do tell. I have a feeling it is going to be a lesson learned over a long period of time.