A Big Heaping Plate of Perspective.

There is no force on earth stronger than the power of a woman who has made up her mind.
I don't know who said it, but I love it....

Truth time. I have some things I need to get off my chest. I'm quite an anxious person by nature. I know God has got it all under control. I know as organized as I am most days, that everything is going to get done. (at least the important people are taken care of in my life) I constantly struggle with balance in my life. Its like this tower of blocks that seems to be swaying, with me trying to fix the foundation of it and keep it from falling apart. And it never seems to end.... does it ever end?

I don't know what it is lately, I just feel the need to hold myself to a higher standard of perfection than I would ever expect anyone else to be able to maintain. (Is that a mom/girl thing?) And not tearing myself apart mentally when I fail is such... a... struggle.... Some days I'm strong and some days I'm wearing skin that is paper thin and so fragile.

This constant strain and stress is leading to more anxiety.... and I feel it building more and more. I can't take it anymore. I have to get it under control. The strange thing is, when I step back and look, life is good right now. Sure school is about to start and there is some uncertainty with that. My little girl learned how to tie her new shoes yesterday and I'm not gonna lie, this momma's heart broke just a little bit. But no one is sick *knock on wood*, there are blessings everywhere and yet I still have this nagging feeling that I'm not good enough.

I had these major goals for weight loss and I had a plan and had it all mapped out and it just didn't work right. I find the science of weight loss fascinating and the math of do this + eat this = results. I know I'm not a failure. 140 pound loss doesn't just happen by luck. It is with work, sweat and tears that it happens and I'm proud of that. But all I see lately is the still 50-60 I have left to lose... and the scale not moving.

I didn't lose anything this past month. Well I did, but then I gained some, lost some, gained, lost and with stupid PMS... I'm breaking even right now. I was doing great and then it just kind of stopped. My body and mind are in a constant battle. My soul is conflicted on how to merge the two and get healthy. Stress and guilt I swear just freeze the fat and it refuses to budge.

There is 100 different plans out there that claim I can lose all my extra weight and be under 200 by _____. Sounds amazing doesn't it? But I've been down that road and what happens when _____comes and I'm not at my goal weight? I feel like a big fat failure.

I didn't plan on going that deep with this.... I've just decided that I need time to reset. Step away from all the "expert" advice and find what works for me again. 

I've decided to follow the most basic of diet guidelines for a month. I can't trust myself with a "do what you feel like" attitude.... so while I'm dumping the science, I still need some structure.

-- Eat what benefits your body 90% of the time and what benefits your mind 10% of the time. Hey, I've said it before, but if I can't live a lifestyle where enchiladas and cupcakes are acceptable on occasion, I don't want to do it. 

-- Continue pursuing running. I still feel like this is what I need to do. I'm learning that dreading it before you do it, hating it while you're doing it, then glad you did it after seems to be the norm.... which is really weird, but good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

-- Quiet & meditative stretching a few times a week

-- Water. Water. Water. (And green tea.... because yum) I don't drink a lot of cokes. Maybe 1 a day right now, but in my mind I know it is garbage. Who do I drink it? Why does ANYONE drink it? I don't know. Maybe I can cut back to 2/week and eventually let go of it entirely? I've done it before, it just crept back in my lifestyle somehow.

-- Last but not least, a scale fast. I tell myself that the number on the scale means nothing to me, but lets be honest. I'm lying to myself. Lately, its meant everything to me. Wake up every morning Am I a success or am I failure? .... If anyone else was doing this I would tell them that they need to quit it now and go get help. Its ridiculous behavior, insane and you're only hurting yourself. Its time for me to listen. I'm going to pick up the scale and tuck it away deep in my closet until September 17th. one month from now. 

I do plan on taking measurements and photos today, in 2 weeks, and at the end..... Just for a little more assurance that I'm doing what I need to do. I want to be healthy. I'm happy with what I've accomplished but I feel lost as to where I need to go from here. I want to find myself again in all of this. I need this in its most simple uncomplicated form.

And I need to remind myself daily that... Grace... Grace... everyone deserves grace.