Behind my smile

"Behind my smile is all you'll never understand"

I feel blah tonight.... Food has not been my friend for the past week. I've relied on it for comfort, as a means to an easy fix when I don't feel like taking the effort to cook a good meal, and lastly... To fill a void that I know can't be filled with food. I miss my husband.

I know I'm whining here... And I won't complain for long, But he really is my other half. I know people deal with much worse things in life. I'm lucky that he is my biggest supporter while still being there as a shoulder to cry on when I need it.

I was in a really bad mood the other night. Depressed after a horrible day of eating junk... I couldn't bring myself to post it on Here for the world to see because I hate for someone to think of me as weak. Seriously, it's one of my biggest fears.... I'm mom. I'm a wife. I'm a woman. You can't be weak AND any of those things. I'm strong... (Most of the time)

So Instead of posting a depressing blog last week, I wrote up a draft with no intention of ever posting it for everyone to see. Just to release my feelings to come back to another day. I went back tonight, not remembering most of what i said on my late night rambling letter to myself. Here is the letter;

"A Letter To Myself,

Tonight, you got on the scale and saw 284.4 pounds. Good grief! Granted you feel like a bloated whale retaining an ocean of fluid.... Are you serious? We've been down this road so many times... Seen these numbers for months... So many. You totally and completely knowingly binged today. there is no hiding it. It shows. Your feet are tight from fluid retention. Your ankles are swollen. Your body hates what you do to it. And You hate what you do to your body! ... The feeling of failure is such a heavy burden to bear. Your shoulders dragged down with guilt and disappointment. You aim high for perfection because you know you can do it. You know you were put on this earth to do, and are capable of doing, great things. That's a fact. You've come so far and have a great life full of accomplishments you've dreamed of your entire life.

So tell me... Why is weight loss any different? It's a challenge. Being fat is easy. Being unhealthy is easy. Weight loss is hard. It's constant dedication. It's constant commitment and constant attention to follow the narrow road to success. Constant! Not only when you feel like it.

You know what? Even though your soul is crying, your internal tears are stinging and that cloud of depression and disappointment in yourself is slowly wrapping around you.... Deep inside your heart lies a fighter. A warrior. A glimmer of hope that won't let you quit and won't let you dare give up on something that you can't go one single day without thinking about....

Someday, Someday won't seem so far away. Crying won't make it come any faster. Wallowing in pity certainly won't shed the pounds. It's going to take sacrifice, dedication, and heart. You want it so bad? Then QUIT screwing up. QUIT making excuses and QUIT knowingly sacrificing your hard work by eating crap that shouldn't be in this house to begin with! NO MORE.

You sick of being in this binge induced funk?.... Quit showing up to the calorie free for all self piggy party. Simple. Work hard. Do good."

Simple? ... Not so much, apparently. But it's a wake up call to myself that unless I stop falling into the "easy" trap... The rest of my life is going to be feeling like this every week. I can't fathom being this broken inside forever.... I've got to use the tears and hurt to fuel the change. Say a prayer when you get the chance. My butt needs to stay on the wagon long enough to lose itself. Good night, friends.