Trying To Run... and not completely lose it.

I got the whole healthy eating thing down. (Doesn't mean I always follow it, but I understand it) What I've never really been able to be consistent at is staying active. I've had a YMCA membership, which I enjoyed but really it was me wandering around and playing on some machines based on what I felt like doing. I never really had a plan when I was in there. Not a bad way to go about it. Something was better than nothing, but I never really saw results from it.

In this post from a few weeks ago, I mentioned walking. Behold. I'm still at it. I've been building my stamina and focusing on being more active. Consistently several times a week I've been walking around the neighborhood. I totally love the Map My Walk app. I plan out my walks before I go and it sends the route to my phone.

Anyways, so in this new mental/health clarity state of mind I've been aware of some new things. Its happened a few times and I ignored it, but last week I heard it clear as day... a voice telling me to "Run, run, dang it. If you want something you've never had... you have to do something you've never done."

And instead of pushing the voice aside because I didn't think I could do it... I decided to test myself. Just what exactly ARE you capable of, Christen? I ran for a solid minute straight. 60 seconds of huffing, learning how to shuffle my feet and trying to get a good pace with my music. Now I'm still 260 something pounds. Me running ain't a pretty sight, and I know that. After I ran for 60 seconds, I walked for 60 seconds, then I ran again for 30 seconds. walked for 60 seconds, ran again for 30 seconds.... and I did it over and over... the entire 3.14 mile route. So technically, I ran 1/3 of my entire route. I might could have pushed a little harder, but I honestly was terrified of passing out somewhere on the side of the road. (Lord, do not let me go that way!)

My poor husband, bless his sweet heart. He is so supportive and kind. He tries weird healthy recipes I come up with and only occasionally begs for a carb loaded dinner because he loves me so much. He encourages me, but doesn't push me. And God love him, he doesn't question me when I have a cookie in my mouth! I don't care what you say. Thats true love people. He puts up with a lot of emotion from one person... me. He had no idea that this walk/run was any different from the other ones from weeks before. I dragged myself in the back door.... and I lost it. Like completely lost it. Ugly criers ain't got nothing on what I was about to unleash. He immediately rushed over to me, asking whats wrong, if I was ok, what happened etc. I can only imagine what was going through his mind. All I could get out was "no no... happy tears, its ok!" which I'm sure made about as much clarity as me shouting "purple hippos! PURPLE!" at him..... do you feel for him now? haha like I said... the poor guy. I love him so much. So I was able to catch my breath, take a shower because I was covered in sweat and tears and pull myself together. And I explained to him why I lost it. Here is why that run was such a big deal:

If you've never read my Cushing's Disease post, It answers most of the top health questions, but it doesn't go into the personal struggle with it so much. THAT part is kind of a downer. At my worst, I was so sick. I had zero muscle in my arms and legs. 400ish pounds. Everything hurt, all the time. It hurt to do anything. I wasn't able to bend down and pick things up off the floor. The muscles in my legs could NOT pick my ginormous overweight body back up. I was in college and had a class in the center of campus. What would have taken a normal person 10-15 minutes to walk to... took me 45 minutes to 1 hour because I had to constantly stop to rest. It was awful and I hated every single minute of that class because I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep for 5 hours. (this is a long story short, maybe one day I'll go into more details. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, I'm happy to share)

So the other night when I was running.... RUNNING!! ... I kept thinking back to that sick sick girl. That girl who couldn't walk up a flight of stairs. The girl, who at the time, would never admit defeat out loud to anyone else but secretly was so ashamed of the shape she was in... brain tumor or not... my fault or not... I was so depressed, I couldn't see clearly. That girl .... me.... I was running... and not totally dying. Those same legs that ached with every single movement and whos measurements were huuuuuge were carrying me. running! OMG! (and no one was chasing me either, I should note that.)

I feel empowered. I've felt strong all week... and also a little sore. With my recent weight loss, I see muscles building in my body. My calf muscles look so freakin sexy, if I do say myself. I'll do a sexy leg pose picture one day, but not today lol I'm not trying to be all self absorbed, but I think I'm finally shedding enough fat to see my developing gains... and thats pretty awesome.

If anyone has any tips on running... I really don't have any idea what I'm doing. Focusing on not falling, counting and breathing take up most of my mental space. I don't want to hurt myself... If I go down with a broken leg, I swear I give up on this... I'm going to be pretty upset. I got a tiny taste of what its like to be able to accomplish more than you thought you could.... and I want it again. Yes more awesomeness, please.