Extreme Weight Loss and Confessions

Last night I sat down and watched the Extreme Weight Loss Makeover show. Have you seen it??

I've heard about the show before, but if you know me I'm pretty bad about watching TV shows. I typically don't like TV, but I can't seem to live without it either. Its a love/hate relationship. ANYWAYS, If it's not dvr'd I generally miss shows.

For those of you who don't know.....Quick review: Each episode follows 1 person for a year on their extreme weight loss journey. It's very encouraging and very inspiring to see someone brave enough to do it all on TV. And in the course of the 2 hours, you get to see the whole year transformation. A-mazing!

As I was watching it, I kept thinking it was like looking in a mirror. I can't say I don't have ANY self esteem issues... because I'd totally be lying. I'm incredibly lucky to live in such a supportive environment that it's impossible for me to hate myself the way the girl on TV did.... but years ago when I was at my heaviest and my weight was completely out of my control (due to what I would soon learn to be from the cushing's disease)... I felt the same emotions she did. I mostly sat in front of the TV in awe as she lost the first 90 pounds in 90 days and then another 50 pounds and then more and more weight until she had lost a total of 207 pounds in 1 year. *gawk* yeah....

She really inspired me to step up my game. Nothing like seeing someone *excuse me ...but* "bigger" than you passing you up to light a little fire under your own tail. 

I'm doing really good with weight loss right now. Mentally, I'm totally in the game. I went back through my weight logs and realized that I've actually lost more weight this month than I had thought. June 2, I weighed 12 pounds more than I do today. weee! and there is still a little bit of June left... so I might even be able to lose a little more *fingers crossed* :)

Ok, confession time... I've been avoiding something to the best of my ability for nearly a year now.... skirting around the issues and carefully wording my sentences on my blog so that I didn't have to say it out loud. I'm claiming to fully embrace my theory of "Dieting Naked" yet I totally refuse to put how much I actually weigh on here (my blog). It occurred to me in the middle of the night last night how completely ridiculous I was being. 

I've improvised by saying how much I have lost, or what I have left to get to a certain goal, but frankly... its really confusing and I have a hard time remembering my own weight loss 'code'. I don't know WHY I do it... Its not like any of you are going to love me less if you know the truth, right?

... and when I really try to dig down deep and dissect the root of my years of anxiety about making my weight public knowledge to the world... I realized... I really don't care anymore. Its a silly worry, complicating to skirt around and I'm done with hiding it.

 

Who I am today isn't who I am going to be forever. 

277.2 pounds. (the .2 is important to me because I feel like I'm closer to 276 than to 278. And though it may not seem like that much of a difference in the long run... 1 pound is a big big difference in the moment. :) I still have 2 more pounds to lose until I'm at my lowest again. Medication changes sent my weight skyrocketing and while it piled on easily (though unwelcome!), it has been really stubborn and I've had to work really hard to get it off again. I'm really looking forward to when I start seeing new number territory instead of the same numbers I saw months ago.

I'm 5'9"... I carry my weight it pretty well... My stomach hogs most of the excess weight though.... 

Truth be told, I'm really really happy to weigh what I do today. (another big milestone that I'm happy to have accomplished) And I'm not ashamed at all. I still want to weigh less, yes, but I'm far from what I used to be.

It would have been nice if God decided to bless me with a genetically skinny body, but He didn't. He gave me a STRONG body that I can make skinny. 

~.I love being strong.~