The 150 Post

Last week, I finally did it. I can say that I have lost a total of 150 pounds. Thats like 1.5 Olsen twins, I'm pretty sure... or maybe both of them? Something like that. One hundred and fifty pounds!

Its been 11 years since I have been diagnosed with cushings disease and 10.5 years since I had the surgery to remove the petuitary tumor that caused all this mess in the first place. Its been a long road. At my heaviest weight while dealing with the Cushing's Disease and aftermath of hormone issues I was somewhere around 400 pounds. Probably a bit more I think. I'm not sure. At that point it was so upsetting and depressing that I quit looking. I didn't want know the numbers.

When you weigh close to 400 pounds, being 250 pounds seems like some sparkly unicorn fantasy. Well I'm still a chubby unicorn who would like to lose some more, but I will strut my stuff anyways.

I kind of thought it would never come. Losing 100 pounds was by no means easy but my weight kind of stalled there for a really long time. I knew I didn't want to be done, but I was busy with babies and family and putting yourself fist doesn't come easy when you're a young mom (or for any other parent really). Goodness knows I've had days where I just resigned to settling on my weight, thinking that miles ahead of where I used to be but not yet where I want to be was just going to have to be good enough.

But it isn't good enough. It never has been. A weight loss journey looks more like a hike through the alps than it does a path through a hilly meadow. Some periods are harder and other times are a little easier. Sometimes you pitch a tent, set up camp and live in a cave for a while.... or you just sit on the edge of a cliff and wonder what would happen if you decided to jump off the stupid mountain completely and instead just have a good cry. 

But today, I stand up tall and proud. Not finished with my mountains yet, but I have more behind me than what lays ahead of me and thats a good feeling. However long its going to take, I plan on marching through it.

This little gem is my gift to myself for making it this far and not giving up. (Its really a $30 ring from overstock, please don't come rob me) I now wear it every day and I'm in L-O-V-E with it. The sparkles, the glitter, the rainbow colors.... yep, its my own reminder that I am and always will be that sparkly unicorn. :)

I kind of want it back

I never intended take this much time away from blogging. I had the thought of returning several times throughout the past few months, but with nothing new to really report... I felt like it wouldn't be productive for me. I want to be raw and honest about weight loss and the struggles that come with it.... Weight loss is still a goal for me, but really... there are bigger problems out there in the world to worry about, right?

As I've gotten older my reasons for weight loss have evolved into more of a 'better version of myself" goal. Whatever THAT looks like and (more importantly) feels like is perfectly fine with me. I never wanted to be a certain size or have dreams about modeling skimpy clothes in the centerfold of some magazine. I just want to be comfortable where I am, but also continually striving to be better at the same time. -- I realize how contradicting my goal for myself may sound. And I'm sorry I don't have a better way of describing it. I want to be happy with what I have become yet still looking forward to improving from the inside out in the future.

No doubt a lesser number on the scale has been and will be followed by overall better health... which is a big part of my goals. But I think its important to work on the inside of yourself and the mental and spiritual health as well. Hence why here I am 3 months later and my scale numbers look like this..... 

That is about a 10 pound fluctuation from lowest to highest peak... not the end of the world, I know... It could be worse... but still... I wish I was already at my goal weight. I can rock maintaining a weight range like no ones business.

I tend to be able to excel at only a few things at once, but I don't always get to choose which things. Weight loss -OR- personal sanity, clean house -OR- happy family, healthy meals -OR- a clean kitchen.... you get the idea. 

I was working my rear end so hard a few months ago. I was doing so good with working out and I thought I had really found a groove I could last for a lifetime in. I was busy but I was managing. I was proud of myself and you better believe I had my chest puffed out and roaring like the big ole bad tiger I felt like inside. I was running and I was all pumped and ready to continue through the holidays............ but this girl has a tendency to take on too many things at once and have expectations that are above perfection and ..... long story short, I found myself in the predicament where sleep was the only thing I had left to give in my life and I was coming out in the negative. I was suffering mentally -- which means my family had to deal with the stress of mommy is about to lose her sh...stuff any second now.

In desperation one night (like I'm sure most moms feel from time to time when they simply CAN'T figure out how to fit everything in during the day and are about to crack) I literally could only hear one word screaming in my head. Grace.... Grace.... Grace. So that is whats been going on the past few months mostly, if you want a short recap. -- Doing what I can and trying my best, but learning to be forgiving and cut myself some slack when I can't be perfect, which is most of the time. I'm showing myself some grace and allowing imperfections.

While I try to make healthy food our "normal", there were some nights when we ate crappy food. I LOVE wonton soup so much. My own daughter pointed out to me:

"Hot dogs twice in one day isn't really healthy, is it mom?"

*sigh* Thank you for pointing out my imperfections as a mother as if I wasn't smart enough to notice them myself... 

"No it is not the best choice... but its better than no dinner at all, isn't it?!?!?!?" 

I tried to keep it as normal as I could and not lose all my hard work to a weakness for food. I think that is a pretty good success. However, from the graph above, you can see where THAT has gotten me.

If my children held themselves to the level of perfection that I catch myself trying to hold myself to, my heart would break with sadness. I know its no way to live, so I'm working on it. I'm not where I wish I was....  but the world isn't ending. And that is going to have to be good enough for right now.

The problem I'm struggling with now is that the holidays were over 29 days ago.... (yeah, time passes fast when you're avoiding it) Things have calmed down. This general forgiving imperfections attitude was great for December and really allowed me to be ok with less than perfect.

I told myself I'd ease back into things slowly again after the new year. It is moving slower-than-slow though. My running right now is nothing where I was before and that is depressing. Hold on. No. Its....Stu-pid actually. Stupid. I was doing really good with running. Not like Olympic status or anything but for an over weight never run before in her life 30 something girl. I felt like I was doing well. Why can't I just take a break and jump right back into it at that same level? I shouldn't be kicked back to start again. That is really harsh! I understand the mechanics of it and its not just me that deals with this.... I just don't like it.

It is hard to get back the drive I had before. I have the same motivation. I still have the same goals. I even have the same desire to be successful that I had before... I just don't have the drive to give it everything and go at it again. And I don't know where to find it. 

If you see it laying somewhere around or know where I can find it... call me, won't you? I kind of want it back.

Quit yer wine'nin... the scale is moving!

What can I say? I've struggled with weight loss lately, what else is new and I've never been the type to sit here and wine at how awful the weight loss situation is, because really? In the big scheme of things, its a minor problem. I've still got my family, my friends, my health (for the most part) we're not starving obviously or dealing with any major crisis... life moves on I've learned to control what I can and then let go of the rest. (sometimes still trying to learn... I didn't say I perfected it yet) 

I get in moods where I'm all sad and 'why can't I eat donuts and lose weight? like why can't things just go my way for once?' ....And then I think how somewhere someone just got the diagnosis of cancer or someone found out they've lost their job just before the holidays etc etc and then I feel petty and while I think its ok to wallow in a bit of selfishness for an allotted time, its good to keep it in perspective and quit yer wine'nin, get up, dry your tears and move on. Count yer blessins. You got this.

So I've been doing that. Keeping trucking on and sticking to the very basics of healthy living. Good food when you can, no all out over indulging, and staying active with exercise, taking care of the mind body and soul..... BUT..... FOR-THE-LOVE! The DANG scale has been at a complete stall for so many STUPID months now. And I am starting to lose my patience. Can I say that? I looked back in my weight records from MyFitnessPal and I had been within the same stupid 5 pound range since September 9th. SEPTEMBER 9TH! That seems like forever ago! -- Now I have had progress show in other ways. I can tell my legs are more muscular, my endurance is longer and stronger... I know I've lost inches because I take measurements. (I'm so glad I do) Its hasn't been ALL a disappointment but at some point the scale has got to budge right?

I'm not the type of girl to have her heart set on a certain scale number to fuel her happiness, but I'm not a body builder and I'm not in any way shape or form full of solid raw muscle over here so.... 260 pounds is not a point where I'm willing to just stop and settle because 'it's better than what I used to be at 400 pounds, right?'

Well, friends... Please stand with me and get ready to do the happy dance! It happened! I finally broke through the plateau and I'm soooooooooooo happy! Words can not express how happy I am to be less once again! It happened the other day but I didn't want to prematurely get my hopes up if it just happened to be a fluke. I have changed some things up diet wise, but I don't really feel like going into it because its all relatively new to me and I'm still figuring it out, but obviously my body is responding will to the change. 

No big promises to make of weight loss goals for the end of the year or anything... let just say... 249.9, I'm coming for you! I JUST surpassed my lowest of 258.4 and while I'm still elated to see a 5 in the middle digits.... I would be even more so with a 4, Someday somehow.  Its going to happen. 

Also, just a side note, but if you find yourself struggling with your own weight or need any advice or clarification on good plans to choose... I'm always up for discussion. I've spent literally over 1/2 my life trying to sort this stuff out. While I don't have the magic formula (obviously) I do think I'm fairly well educated on nutrition.... I can sure tell you what NOT to do lol Just putting that out there, I'll gladly share whatever wisdom I have acquired :).

October Review

Things aren't going the way I wish they were right now. So... Uh.... It's time to pull back on the reins and really do an overall evaluation of how things are going. I lost 2 pounds in October..... 2........2. *sigh* I know every month can't be an amazing. Any loss is better than a gain. I've been averaging about -5 per month though. It's not insane or excessive, but over a year thats a 60 pound loss and that's serious change. Plus I can see muscle gain on my body and I've been working really hard so I've been pretty content with those -5 pounds.

But this month... The -2. I can't even blame it on a plateau, water retention... or anything. It's me. Me and my slacking. I guess, in a way, this is the best reason to not be losing weight. Its completely in my control and I can fix it. I haven't eaten as healthy lately. While I haven't gone all hog wild and craaaazy, I haven't said 'no, thank you' to very much either. I need to up my water again too. 

Halloween: I had some Halloween candy indulgences... I feel like I've gained like 30 pounds. Just feeling yuck today. A good indication I shouldn't be eating crap. I feel like I really held back on the amount of candy I did eat, but I still ate more than I wish I would have. (sorry kids, I still don't know what happened to the almond joy bars??)

Also, I have been sick for a few weeks with annoying allergy issues. I had a cough and was completely drained of all energy. I could have pushed myself to go to the gym, but because I was trying to take care of myself, I didn't. So.... Tonight is the first night in a week that I'm going to the gym. And I know its going to be brutal. My endurance has already gone down on my running because I started having pain and soreness in my shins and I backed off on running. And NOW I just flat out did nothing for a week so... I'm preparing myself to be at level zero as far as fitness is concerned. Disappointing, but.... the only options I see is to 1) quit - not technically an option, but I could if I wanted to or 2) get up and start all over again - yup. ding.ding.ding! lets do this. I'm going to get on the elliptical machine tonight. Hopefully that will be easier on my legs and soon I can get back to where I was (endurance wise) a few weeks ago?

I was thinking about all this health and fitness and reflections of my goals and such last night as I was laying in bed. Trying to give myself the pep talk I needed to refuel my fire losing weight again. Sometimes giving yourself a swift kick in the booty is what is needed. I've come to realize that being kind to myself is the only way to make it through this as a life long journey. Its not a quick fix. There is going to be bumps and bruises. Sure I could beat myself up and get all sad... probably eat some more candy... and then some more. But you know what? I'm over it. I've been down this road before and it doesn't take me to my destination. Its a u-turn back to the girl I USED to be. And I don't want to go there again. So, I had to backtrack a little... whats the big deal? Its better than giving up. October is over and there is nothing I can do to get it back. So November is here and I'm going to force my way through it and come out less than when I came in.

The holidays are the hardest for me, y'all. And I know I'm not alone in this. Halloween is over and thanksgiving and all of it's delicious glory is on the radar now, followed by Christmas and all of it's sweet treats. I love my family. I love to celebrate and I *love* to bake. THIS is my favorite time of year! I could just give in for a few months and enjoy everything over and over and over with no rules..... or I could set aside a few days to enjoy the festivities and make the rest of the year time to focus on me. This last month has been a wake up call that if I don't focus 110%, I'm not going to be any closer to my goals. I lost 2 pounds, but it could have been more. I've worked hard and I'm going to keep working hard. Spring and summer is going to thank me.

The following pictures are courtesy of my instagram feed from this morning. Please feel free to soak up the inspiration. I feel like "Hard, not impossible" is going to be a mantra for me. 

Working out and my apologies for being awkward...

Please don't hate me after this: I know this is going to come as hard for some people to read because a while back I'd just roll my eyes at the cliche "making time for exercise" stuff and throw my hands up and (want to yell) "they don't know my life! I have NO time for exercise!! I have kids, husband and this laundry ain't going to wash itself!" and then I'd get all mad and brush it off as just being impossible in my life.... and then probably go eat a donut or something.

I feel like I kind of might get it now though..... so you know what? I'm proof that people (and opinions) can change. Things have changed now that my kids are a bit older and don't need me every single freakin second of the day during the night. Some things are different than even a year ago... but if I was really ready to change things up back then... I'm pretty sure I could have even then. More than my situation... my mind needed to change.

I totaled up my time working out yesterday. Its just at 5 hours/week of JUST cardio. (I'm about to change things up though so that will change a bit again... and then probably again later on) I was pretty shocked. I mean, I'm committed and I haven't let myself miss any days unless I was sick and needed to recover... but its more than I would have guessed it to be. I stay pretty busy throughout the week. This girl never has any time to 'kick back and relax'. I don't spend hours upon hours cursing and sweating all the time. Its mostly tiny bits of shorter times throughout the week, but it really does add up.

Where have I heard this before? oh... just about every single weight loss plan EVER. If you can't do 1 hour, do 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. or 15 minutes whenever you can. It adds up.

Dang it. I thought I was stumbling onto something major here and it just turns out that I am stubborn at listening to someone else and need to crawl my way through the fire to learn it myself. oh well.

It didn't start out 5 hours a week in the beginning. It was just 1/2 hour walking 1-2 days/week. Just to take a break and get out of the house. To do something solely for myself. Then I increased to 3 days and added a bit of time. I found a 3.1 mile route to practice for a 5k.... then I worked up to (usually) 4 evenings a week.

Also 4 days a week, I drop off my daughter at school at 8:45 and my son doesn't start school until 9:30. So we were killing time at walgreens or sitting in the drive through at starbucks or I would play on pintrest and he would watch a movie in the car or something. Basically zero productivity (minus recipe and future craft pinning) in these 35 minutes before I can take him to class. You know me... this drives me crazy. Wasted time. ugh. I can't stand it. Then it hit me. There is a walking trail right next to his school. Its quiet, but the path is paved and safe. It would take some getting used to. A little less standards on being all cute for work.... I may not smell like roses when I'm done, but I can change from my workout clothes into my work clothes when I get to work. There is deodorant and perfume, right?.... and just like that an extra 1.5 hour added to my active minutes per week. I throw on headphones. My son gets in the stroller and gets to have special time on my kindle playing games. 35 minutes goes by really fast most days.

I reserve 2 days a week where I do nothing but focus on my family. no trying to count step goals, no fitting in gym time. just family. Sundays and Wednesdays are my days. (it also gives me flex days if we have other plans on another night to still get in my work outs) I used to look forward to these days and be excited to not feel guilty about not working out. looking forward to the break/day off etc. This past Wednesday I was literally beside myself and unsure what to do. Like, I knew it was Wednesday, and my day off but I had to remind myself at least 100x before noon that there was no gym time tonight. no putting on my work out clothes. just real clothes all day long. a "rest day".

............ I used to want to slap the snot out of girls that said what I just openly admitted. I've gotten so used to filling every single open slot on my calendar with some form of being active and establishing a routine that I forgot what to do on the days I don't have to. I absolutely loved doting on my sweet husband and really enjoyed my focus being on him (and maybe a little folding clothes too). I felt like I fully got to enjoy it, and appreciate it.

I still don't claim to have it all figured out, but I can tell such a difference in myself and my mind set.

Something I'm finding out that I'm quite awful at lately is taking a complement. If you've been so kind to tell me that my weight loss is showing or that I'm really looking like I've lost a lot of weight. I love you and I appreciate you so much, but I apologize for my odd and awkward situation making reply. I really have no idea what to do in this situation. Online, I can be cool and just say "thank you! :)" but in person... its odd. I've never been extremely proud of my body and its been almost a mission in life to find ways to hide it or make it so I'm not the center of attention. Vertical stripes are a friend to the tummy.... I don't want to sound ashamed, but that's just the general way of handling being morbidly obese your entire life. (Don't get me that "flaunt your curves" B.S.... it might make you feel better, but extra fat cells on your body are still EXTRA fat cells)

So the fact that people are noticing me and noticing the changes in my (still overweight) body... I haven't found a way to adapt to it yet.

My heart swells with pride and admiration when I watch someone else lose weight and work hard! I understand both sides. I just don't know to to react to someone else noticing my own success?..... trying to blend in and hope no one notices you to people actually really taking notice of your hard work. Its weird. Please just know that if you have to suffer my awkwardness, I'm really sorry. But please take this as a thank you for caring about me. I really do appreciate the love and support.

Thank you with all my heart.

Over Indulging

What a fun weekend its been around here! My little girl turned 7 and according to her, I threw her the "BEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER!" :) ....but I'll tell you what, this momma is TIRED lol For the last week its was pretty much my focus to get things purchased and organized and go totally overboard in my usual fashion. (I can't help it....DIY is my friend) So by the time that Friday came, I knew exactly what needed to be done and had a list with no less than 25 things on it... only because the day before I had completed another list with about that many items on it. Things went smoothly and everything went perfectly. Event = success. Until later that evening when I realized that the only things I had had to eat all day were a granola bar and a sneaking tiny bites of chips all day long, then pizza and a cupcake (which I made so I thoroughly enjoyed). And I felt not only tired, but also just yuck.

I feel like I'm fighting getting sick too with all the allergies around here. I'm not quite sick yet, but I feel like the germs have locked target on me and are circling in for the kill and my inevitable doom. nasonex, vitamin C and and tissues - oh my!

Thinking over the last week...I've made decent decisions when it comes to food, but I've also not said no thank you to very much. I don't usually go overboard like I'm never going to eat again, but I don't feel like I'm eating like I want to lose weight either. The scale is pretty much frozen right now. I feel like if I were at my goal weight, I could totally rock the maintaining stage. Like, I got this balance thing down.... but I'm not there yet. I've still managed to get my workout times in this week, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't out-exercise a bad diet. And I've had a pretty bad diet.

This has been the only constant in my journey to be 'less'... constant change - overall evaluation, tweaking and editing, shaking things up, re-evaluating and trying new things to re-focus toward the goals that I have. No one thing has really worked for me. At this time in the world, I think we're wired to pay attention to the things that are 'easy' and 'quick fix'... whatever is working for someone else, must work for us too, right?... But the truth is, its not easy. At least in my experience, it never is. It is 100% easier to sit on the couch than it is to get up and go work out. It is 100% easier to go through the drive thru for a $0.99 hamburger than it is to go home and cook a solid healthy dinner. BUT its not easier to look at yourself in the mirror everyday when you're not feeling like you're living up to your potential.... the point is, you have to choose your hard. Choose your sacrifice. 

Right now, I need to quit feeling like 'I got this' and re-focus for weight loss mode again. The holidays are coming up and... like a lot of people, I like to stretch out the celebrations into a 3 month party. But I also want to wake up in the spring and not be sad that I barely made any progress. How many times have I been here? oh like 3 hundred thousand times or something (probably more, I'm being modest here). But its better than giving up so I don't have any shame or guilt even though the scale isn't moving right now, I have seen improvement over the last few months. I'm loving the gym right now. It was a good move for me. I'm so happy that I decided to join. I don't use half of the equipment in there... yet... but I'm starting to research more into the weights and what I need/want to work on. I may as well use what is available. Also, HIIT training. its no joke. I'm still super new to it, still learning... and the old me would have said an absolute 'no.' to completely destroying myself into a puddle of exhaustion.... but 20 minutes vs. an hour on the treadmill?.... In mom talk, and the more recent version of myself says... YES, please. Constant progress, constant learning and never getting too comfortable with where I am when I know that there is more meant for me. 

Progress Photos and a Gym Visit

Today I did something I'm so stupidly excited about.... its ridiculous. I've had issues with my running the last few weeks because its dark outside so early now. I'm a chicken. The little parks that I've run and around the neighborhood is black. Like daaaark. I run with my headphones on (on only 1 ear because I want to hear the cars or whatever) We live in a nice neighborhood, and the sidewalks are eh... not so great. I'm probably fine, I take my cell phone with me and tell my husband how far I'm going so he'll know if its a long run, but I usually go alone. And because I know my distances, I'm a creature of habit and tend to run the same few courses (not ideal safety practices). This wasn't an issue this summer. So after some thought and planning, I'm adapting.

Today I joined planet fitness. I'm not thrilled at the idea of having to go and deal with other people around me or machines, but... I have thought about incorporating weights into my routine so it has its benefits. Its not too far from my house, but I still have to drive there. It'll add a little more time to my routine.... and I'm being a silly whiny baby now. lol Once I realized that, I felt stupid and made it part of my plans today to go and sign up so that I could totally go tomorrow night when I usually go for a run.  I'm like really super excited to go and work out and try the hydro massage thingy.

Last night was too dark on the street so I ran a bit on the treadmill. I actually ran my first 1/4 of a mile. Like LEGIT fast running. *I'm just a bluuuuuuuur in the wind* kind of running. It was awesome. I've never done that before. I had a good song going and I just told my legs we weren't going to stop for a while. When it was over, I felt like I might die... but only just a little bit. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry -- jump around and dance because I was happy, or lay down on the bed and sleep in my running clothes because I was tired........................ Running is just weird.

ok so this is fun. Take a look at these 2 photos.... 17 weeks difference between them. Getting better?... I think so :) Same top, different (smaller) pants.  I don't know what my face is doing in the first one.... concentrating on looking tough or something? Pictures speak more than words, my friends. If you're trying to be healthy and are on your own journey to self better-ment. TAKE Pictures! I have a folder on my computer with all kinds of photos in it called "before pictures". Because I know that every photo I put in there is going to one day be my before picture to compare the me I'm trying to be to the me I am now.